Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Your Only Hope.

I just turned 43 in August but it wasn't until yesterday that I think I may have finally grown up. I've lived the life of a child for 43 years and I suppose it was inevitable that I would grow out of it, I just thought I might grow out of it when I was 14 or 15. I'm at least 28 years behind schedule. Don't worry, I still ignore bills, get bored with books in the first chapter and refuse to fix my collapsing house but I've definitely turned a corner in my development. Yesterday I was looking at my DVD collection and I saw the box that holds my Star Wars discs and I realised that I just have no interest in it.

This is actually much bigger news than it seems. About two years ago I confidently claimed that there is nothing better than Star Wars and I meant it. When I saw it (5 times) in 1977 nothing effected me more and I've yet to be hit by that all encompassing feeling since. No movie, no band, no relationship that I've ever encountered has changed my life so obsessively as Star Wars and that's actually depressing when you think about it. I've fallen in love but I've always managed to have some moments when I've not talked or thought about my romance even in the early stages but as a 9 year old I was a lot more enthusiastic about my new crush. And I took that film with me throughout my life. I never really wanted kids but the older I get the more often I'd daydream about sitting down with my child and watch them watch my favourite film of all time just to see if it did anything to their heads at all. Then, when it didn't, I'd know that this wasn't my child and it's mother is a WHORE. But that would be the original Star Wars. Back in 1977 the original Star Wars was known as Star Wars. I wasn't happy when on it's re-release it was changed to Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope. What was the point in that? It's called Star Wars so call it Star Wars. Then it got re-released again with new bits in it. Terrible, awful new bits. Then it came out on DVD with newer new bits and next week it will be released on Blu Ray with more new bits. In 1977, George Lucas gave me a present but ever since then he keeps taking it back and drawing all over it.

In the blu ray edition there is a new addition that George Lucas thought was absolutely imperative. It just had to be included because, like a Jawa falling off a dinosaur or Hayden Christensen turning up as ghost at the very end, it was always part of his original vision. In....sigh....Star Wars: Episode VI - Return Of The Jedi, Darth Vader finally sees the cruelty within The Emperor as he sees his son being electrified. Vader silently lifts The Emperor above his head, taking the dark force electric shock himself, and throws him down the shaft of the Death Star. Now, instead of the mighty silence of Vader's attack on his mentor, the new Blu Ray version comes with Vader shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


The thing is, George only owns the rights to these films and not the emotional impact they have all played in mine/our life/lives. He's been fucking with these films since the day he gave them to us and there is no sign of him ever stopping. Well, that's actually of no odds to me because, and I'm happy to declare this, I'm not a Star Wars fan. It's just a stupid sodding space film that's been battered by it's master it's whole life. But there is maybe, just maybe, a way that he can be stopped from doing this again to this beloved classic (well, it's not beloved by me. Not any more). Just do yourself a massive favour, DO NOT BUY STAR WARS ON BLU RAY. If no one buys it, he'll just go away. I'm not going to buy it and I was delighted that my good friend, Martin Wolfenden, went back to Amazon where he ordered his copy and decided to cancel his order. The reason he gave was "Darth Vader saying Nooooooo!" I'm incredibly proud of him.

I'm pretty sure that....sigh....Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace will be left alone as it was on the day of it's awful release because, let's face it, you can't polish a turd. But that doesn't mean you have to take the Mona Lisa and smear shit all over it. Yeah, I've moved on. I'm finally free of Star Wars and it's 34 year Force grip. I've finally grown up.

Don't forget, Doctor Who's on this Saturday.

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Andrew said...

I know, I know, I know, correcting grammar is the lowest form of life. But the rants are so enjoyable that to have them regularly interrupted by one of those errors that leaps off the screen and pokes me in the eye is frustrating. Its. When it's possessive, no apostrophe. Please Michael.

Anonymous said...

The Darth Vader bit may be fucking aweful, but the Krayt dragon bit if a fucking joke! It's as if it is actually meant to be funny. I was looking forward to getting it, but I too will be cancelling my order.


Anonymous said...

Well, there's still the 3D re-release of 1 movie a year starting with the Phantom Menace to look forwards to . . .