Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Time Out and Time's Up.

I'm enjoying myself. That's what happens when I don't blog. I know I don't blog as much as I used to but that's because I'm happier than I used to be. I just don't see the point in writing about being happy. What could anyone get out of me being happy? NOTHING. The festival is going well and people are coming to see the shows and laughs are happening. So I'm enjoying myself at the Edinburgh Fringe, the very thing you don't want me to do. Not that it's all been paradise. Some stuff has riled me. Seeing all those posters already up and screaming at me last Monday gave me such a shock that I barely noticed that practically all of them have something in common. I don't know how I didn't notice it before but bar a few exceptions they're all exactly the same. The font seems pretty much the same, all chunky letters as fat as the ego they represent, with the same photograph of the same T4 haircut and the same skinny jeans. It's all BIG FACE ON POSTER WITH BIG WRITING. Not just a few of them. Practically all of them. How are we supposed to know what comedian it is we're seeing? They shouldn't have their names on posters at all. It should just say something like Comedian "A" or Female Comic 12. Not that there are 12 female comedians, of course. Where's the imagination, comedians? And stop being called Russell all the time. Even the few that aren't called Russell are called Russell, aren't they?

So, how have I survived the madness of Edinburgh with it's permanent rain and it's constant NO's? It isn't easy to be honest. It really has been raining a lot and there hasn't been a day without a classic Edinburgh NO. My favourite so far was when I went for a beer with my friend Sarah. We met at The Tron, a bar just off the Royal Mile, and I ordered us a couple of drinks. Well, I wanted to but both members of staff behind the completely clear bar didn't see me despite them just standing there doing nothing. It was an interesting experiment to just wait to see how long they would wait until they felt embarrassed enough that they HAD to serve me. I guessed it would be 20 seconds, quite a long time to wait if it's a clear bar and staff are a foot and a half away from you. My guess was way off. It was about three minutes before they reluctantly acknowledged my existence. As all seats were taken we decided to have our beer outside. "I wonder how long it will be before they say you can't drink outside", I said. It was immediate.

Look, what you need is a trampoline. Edinburgh is a tough town during the month of August. It's full of ups and downs and the best ups and downs are the ones you get from a trampoline. No doubt your student accomodation comes complete with a trampoline, right? My place certainly does. It stopped raining a few days ago and I had a choice: do I get in the jacuzzi (oh, yes) and relax in the manner fitting a man collapsing into 43 or do I just act like a dick on a trampoline. I went for the trampoline. There is just something really funny about being nearly 43 and bouncing up and down like an idiot while your friends laugh at you and take clips to put on YouTube. That said, it's even funnier when you're nearly 43 and you bounce up and down on a trampoline while no one at all is watching. I wasn't not showing off, I wasn't trying to be funny, I was just happily being nearly 43 and bouncing up and down on a trampoline. Alone. I really recommend it. It's really fun and a bit scary. All you can see is the metal bar of the frame that holds the trampoline in place and when you bounce you just KNOW you're going to slip and smash your skull on it. But what a hilarious way to go. Dying at the age of nearly 43, alone on a trampoline.

I have something else to recommend to you this Edinburgh Fringe. How about stepping away from all the shows and seeing some art? Take yourself to the Scottish National Portrait Gallery and see a painting called The Three Oncologists. You know when some very pretentious people say "When I saw that painting, I just cried"? Well, you just might. It's a painting that just lets you know that one day you will die. Looking at it actually feels like a cold, friendly hand offering to help you into death. It is beautiful and terrifying and I can't urge you enough to see it. Trust me, there is nothing better going on up here than that painting. Note that I haven't attached a picture of it here and please DO NOT Google it. Just go to the gallery and see it yourself. My agent, Kate, took me to see it as should all good agents show this perfectly tragic piece to their clients. "There. Look at that. Now, fancy doing something good before you go?" See it. And enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.

Tickets for CURSE SIR WALTER RALEIGH at this year's Edinburgh Fringe are now on sale here:

Tickets for POINTLESS ANGER, RIGHTEOUS IRE 2: BACK IN THE HABIT at this year's Edinburgh Fringe are now on sale here:

Kindle owners might like to know that my blog is now available to subscribe and read on your Kindle here:

No comments: