Tuesday, 6 September 2011


"Emotion is the complex psychophysiological experience of an individual's state of mind as interacting with biochemical (internal) and environmental (external) influences. In humans, emotion fundamentally involves "physiological arousal, expressive behaviors, and conscious experience." Emotion is associated with mood, temperament, personality, disposition and motivation. Motivations direct and energize behavior, while emotions provide the affective component to motivation, positive or negative".

Clearly, that came from Wikipedia and not me. It makes emotions sound intricate and labyrinthine which, as we all know, they're not. All emotions are just different Worzel Gummidge heads that we stick on when we feel like it and the only complex thing about them is that sometimes we rush in and pick up the wrong head by mistake. I know this because I'm often to blame for putting the wrong head on. I'm still not quite over the fact that I threw my first, and I hope last, ever Queenie Fit during the recording of the second Do The Right Thing Podcast in Edinburgh. I got told off twice by my team-mate for interrupting her even though I most definitely hadn't interrupted. The lovely Shappi Khorsandi, who I love and admire greatly, was pissed. It wasn't her fault. It was the fault of the publicity machine. The publicity machine demanded that Shappi guested at Arthur Smith's Pissed-Up Chat Show which meant she was contractually obliged to be hammered during the hour with the sober national treasure asking her questions and topping up her glass. Then she did our show. All very fair enough, I was a bit tipsy myself. Fuck it, it's late night in Edinburgh. What did you think you were paying for? After 10pm there are NO SOBER COMEDIANS. Anyway, the first time Shappi said I interrupted (EVEN THOUGH I HADN'T) I apologised and listened to her being funny. Shappi is always funny and, of course, being drunk just made the night all the more unpredictable and exciting. The second time, and to be very fair to Shappi she might not actually have been saying I interrupted but that is the way I took it, Shappi simply said "I thought we were supposed to be a team".

Now. I was in no way at all upset with Shappi. But the audience to my right all howled with approval. "Yeah", I heard in my own head. "Good for you, Shappi. Tell the stupid woman-hating man to shut his fucking rude mouth". That was it. I rushed into my very small bag of emotion heads to grab the Reserved Humility one but stupidly grabbed the WELLFUCKYOUTHEN head instead and put it on. I seethed throughout the rest of that podcast. I hate when people interrupt on Mock The Week and other laddish telly shouting and I have a paranoia that anyone would think that of me, especially, and I realise this is stupid, if I interrupt a woman. It's fine interrupting James during the Precious Little podcast because that is a godsend to us all but I'm not up for any interrupting during Do The Right Thing. After the recording I went to the bar, complained to everyone about how furious I was and then genuinely stormed off in a huff. I had a Queenie Fit for no reason. Emotions are dicks.

So, over the last few days I've been experimenting with emotions. I didn't mean to but I have. It's just amazing to me how basic and stupid emotions are despite Wikipedia's argument of their complexity. Put it this way, I wore my duckie jumper on Friday. If you haven't seen my duckie jumper then allow me to describe it. It's a jumper with duckies on it. Yes, it's adorable. Anyway, I was wearing it on Friday night when I got into the lift at my hotel. The doors opened and the lift was full. Seven men in the lift. All on a stag night. Plus me and my duckie jumper.

They laughed, they pointed, they call me a fucking twat. I pointed out that they would all catch their deaths going out in t-shirts late at night. Matching t-shirts. All with the same naked man on the front but with a different nickname on the back. I'm not saying I don't look like a twat but at least I'm not shouting in a lift, while wearing a naked man t-shirt with BIG DONG JOHN written on the back while hanging out with my best friend who is dressed like Tigger.

Plus, how could I mind them laughing? I'm only wearing a jumper and apparently that was too much for them. Maybe they only brought their Pointing and Laughing head out with them? In any case, here's what I've discovered. Men hate the duckie jumper and women like it. Not just one but two groups of female office workers waved at me this weekend because of the duckie jumper. I started counting the scowls from men and laughs/smiles from women while walking about but I lost count. Men were definitely winning though. I think there is nothing more appealing than living in a world where a jumper with pictures of ducks on it can upset and even seemingly offend blokes. Not that all blokes are like that. Last night after a gig in Swindon I got a bit chilly and took the duckie jumper out of my bag. The ticket inspector on the train said he really liked my duckie jumper. That was nice. Then he handed my ticket back to me and said "Thanks, babes"

I don't know if it was the jumper or maybe I'm just a bit of a babe at the moment but either way the ticket inspector shot off quickly (not like that). He obviously rushed for his Gratitude head and accidentally grabbed his Sleazey Geezer head by mistake. I understand. It's easily done.


Hey! Why not come to see DO THE RIGHT THING being recording live? It's great and I might get in a big huff again so it's definitely worth checking out. Here's the info: http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/dotherightthing/

Also, come to see CURSE SIR WALTER RALEIGH, my very first ever solo show, at the Leicester Square Theatre from the 27th to the 29th September: http://leicestersquaretheatre.ticketsolve.com/shows/126518927/events

Kindle owners might like to know that my blog is now available to subscribe and read on your Kindle here:http://amzn.to/ho4Qr3


Darren said...

I fucking love that jumper Michael!


A Man.

Frazzle Dazzle said...

That jumper is fantastic, and if I saw you wearing it, I would tell you! No doubt the stags were told that they were twats by many women throughout the night.

OTF said...

Hmm, Madness:the abnormal

If we are to evolve (as you have, you hairless man)
We must change the norm,
To change the norm we must adopt the abnormal,
To adopt the abnormal is to adopt madness into the new norm,
The norm is now madness.
The further we evolve the more mad we are
We are mad!

PeeT said...