Wednesday, 1 December 2010


I was going to blog about yet another insult to comedy that happened just last night but I've decided against it. I haven't blogged for weeks (I wanted a break) and I now think that coming back and just moaning won't do. This needs to be more dynamic. A bit of action and adventure. Something that will draw the reader in and, eventually, let them know a bit about me and the kind of man I am.

Last week I stabbed my own fridge to death.

It's true. I was angry, I lifted a big knife and I stabbed the fucker. Oh, yes. I could have defrosted it. I could have easily defrosted it. But I'm not a woman, am I? I'm not Michelle Legge. I'm MICHAEL Legge. A real man with a real man's name. And don't bring up Michael Learned or Princess Michael of Kent because they were obviously once men who simply accidentally defrosted a fridge instead of stabbing it. I wanted something from the freezer. The fridge wouldn't give it to me so I threatened it. I WASN'T GOING TO HURT IT. I just threatened it with a knife, just knocking off bits of it's ice from around the edges of one of it's drawers. But it kept refusing me. So I lunged at it. The red mist in my eyes, the steel blade in my hand. How dare this frigid bitch not let me in to get what I want? I went mad. Uncontrollable. And plunged the knife right in.

I didn't mean to cut her freezer line. Oh, God. There was so much cold air pouring out. I tried to heal it but I couldn't. It just...died.

See, that was me writing about a simple and stupid situation where I thought I could chip away some ice from my fridge with a knife and then I ended up breaking it. But what I did was end up writing it like I was threatening it and wanting to rape it. That's the kind of thing that gets you on at Channel 4 these days. Plus I also implied that men are better/different than women which will get you talked about if you are on Channel 4 these days. Last night's TV was fucking awful.

Balls. I'm writing about it, aren't I?

I really like Frankie Boyle's stand up and was delighted that he had his own series. But...well. I don't know. Is calling everyone a cunt in the first 10 seconds then following it up with a rape sketch what either Channel 4 or Frankie Boyle would or should approve of? I wouldn't have thought so. I'm pretty sure their back catalogue's are better than that. Some of the stand up stuff was good but...well...a rape sketch is hard to shake off especially when the woman starts off being scared of the rape but then ends up loving it. It just seemed more than dated. It seemed uncomfortably dated. Like Jim Davidson had come out of the grave to haunt TV again. I can only imagine Frankie has reached the age of 40 a few years early.

Then there was The Morgana Show. I'm not going to lie to you, I was really looking forward to watching this. I saw Morgana Robinson on TNT months ago and wanted to die of shame right there and then. Her sole character in TNT was a special needs kid who interviews nearly-famous people while trying to make them feel uncomfortable by doing that mong acting we all used to do on the school bus when we were 12. The sketch never worked because her "victims" never embarrassed themselves, they just reacted in a sensitive way to someone they assumed had special needs and not just some fucking cunt being a fucking cunt. If only she'd revealed herself before the sketch ended and we got to see the celebrities violent and bloody reactions. That would have made good telly.

She went on to do impressions of Cheryl Cole and Fern Cotton that were a bit like them but had no jokes whatsoever. Even if they had you still couldn't help but scream DID SHE JUST DO A SPECIAL NEEDS CHARACTER? One sketch consisted of Lady Ga-Ga ironing. Yep. That was it. My fatal mistake was going on Twitter and seeing the amount of support this show was getting plus the amount of people pointing out that Morgana is female like they were totally shocked that a woman should be on TV.

Is it good to see female performers on TV? No. Not if they're this awful. Equally if Morgana was male is would be just as bad and therefore NO-ONE SHOULD BE ON TV. I'm happy with that. Because you can't play the sex card if the sex card has shit all over it. No-one will accept it. Where's the Hour of Telly Live TV series? Cunts.

I shouldn't have watched it so it's all my fault. Plus I have enough faith in Frankie Boyle to think that it might be me not him. At least there's The Trip. Seen The Trip? Let me tell you about it. Two very funny people have a camera pointed at them while they are funny. It's a bit pretentious but it's so utterly naturally funny without even caring about how other comedies on TV are and sticking to that formula, instead they ride on their natural abilities and fuck cutting edge.

The Morgana Show was described as cutting by a moron who writes a Guardian blog. The only thing that's cutting are the wrists of her suicidal viewers.

Nice to be back. See you soon.


Pixies23 said...

ha ha hilarious. I always know after i've read your blog, I will have a little spring in my step. Always funny and always straight to the point, no bullshit. Just what everyone needs.

Anonymous said...

2 more TV 'comedy' programs i'll be avoiding then!

Anonymous said...

Did exactly the same to a freezer once: couldn't be arsed defrosting it & went at the ice with a chisel. It went well at first. I'd managed to get rid of about 80% of it, which was probably enough, but I had to keep on going and try to get it properly frost-free.

Bang. Drove the chisel through the freezer wall, into the coolant pipe and all the magic smoke hissed out in a rush. Turned one frosty but basically working freezer into a broken one. Swore never to try DIY again, or any other chores.

Ben said...

My Dad stabbed a freezer when I was a child. He must be massively disappointed I have only ever defrosted them, not only defrosted them but bought another freezer to store things in while the first is defrosted. I'm disgusting.