Thursday, 2 December 2010

Utterly Youthless.

Was I hard on Morgana? Maybe. It's tough watching something that just lazily throws its dung at you in the hope that you'll be happy enough that it didn't get in your hair, especially when you know there is great talent out there. Did you go to All Day Edinburgh? You should have done. There wasn't a single person on that bill (except me) that doesn't deserve to have a TV show with time, money and care in it offered to them. Thanks to everyone who came and to all the performers who gave their time for a good cause. Speaking of which, I should probably give Shelter that money because at the moment I feel like Father Ted. "It's just resting in my account". Thanks, everyone.

But Morgana is young. If I was offered my own TV show where I would "have" to point and laugh at people with special needs, would I turn it down? Well, yes I would. But the point is that she might just be naive (although THAT naive? Is anyone?) and could easily be pressured into making the show she made. A lot of TV producers/commissioners/broadcasters want their shows to appeal to everyone and therefore they pretty much always appeal to no-one. EVERYONE loves the Fern Cotton impression though so she'll do well. She's young. She's only about 23. So what's Frankie Boyle's excuse for the women-love-getting-raped sketch? He should know better what with being 40 (presumably).

But acting your age isn't always easy. I find it very difficult. I'm a professional writer (in a way) and want to be taken seriously, yet here I am blogging to you, dear reader, in my Star Wars pants while watching Wallace & Gromit.

And why is acting your age nearly always meant in a behaving older way? In Lewisham, the snow has forced kids who are shit at being kids outside to play. They're pathetic. Yesterday I saw kids building a snowman. Or kicking one to death, it was hard to tell from looking at their creation. It looked like they were using snow to bury a goat. Fucking useless crap children. Then there was the kid on the sledge. Good God! Do you know what skill goes into riding a sledge? The same skill that goes into sitting down. That's it. You sit down, Daddy pushes you, you slide to the bottom of the hill. I watched this 7 year old dick fall off about 18 times in a row. It wasn't even a big hill. All he needed to do was sit still for 5 seconds and he'd be at the bottom. But the little cunt couldn't even do that. He should be aborted (plllllleeeeeeeassssse, give me a TV series, Channel 4).

The worst kids I saw were the teenagers. There were about eight 14/15 year olds hanging around the train station, throwing snowballs at people who walked under the bridge or down the steps. They are young and have every right to do that. They are acting their age perfectly. Or I thought they were. I saw them and as I passed I just knew I'd get pelted. Of course I'm going to get pelted. I have a big, stupid Russian hat with puppy-dog ear flaps on. If they miss out on pelting the cunt with the hat then I have no respect for them. I prepared myself and even smiled while waiting to be hit. Snow doesn't hurt. It'll be funny. Here goes. The first snowball came.

And flew right by me. I looked round and saw loads of snowballs coming my way.

Well, not directly my way. They all missed. For fuck sake, really? Have you seen the size of my hat? It's like I have a fucking St. Bernard on my head. You can't miss my hat. For fuck's sake, children. Act your age.

The train station was closed so I had to come back up the steps. This was their chance to finally get me. I was face to face with them and POW!!! All the snowballs flew right by me and hit the ground. I have never been so disappointed by the youth of Britain in my life.

As I walked past them I put on my best teacher voice and said "Pathetic. Must try harder". The kids laughed as I walked past, obviously ready to get me when I was a safe distance away from them. One snowball flew past. That was their THIRD CHANCE. I looked round and laughed. They all looked a bit embarrassed, decided to not chance throwing at me again and went back to throwing snow at people under the bridge. One day those young men could be in the military. We'll be invaded by 2015, I reckon.

But the snow has made me happy. I like this snow. It's spongy but firm. Not sloppy or slippy. Plus I saw something today that lifted my spirits right up. I saw a man in a wheelchair, not struggling, but getting through the snow with ease.

If that isn't the biggest FUCK YOU to our train companies then I don't know what is.


Daniel said...

I saw the kid who should win the "worst at being a kid" award the other day. His mum asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he replied "I'd be grateful for anything." What a cunt

Michael Legge said...

What a fucking prick. I hope he gets run over.

Andre the BFG said...

I saw a 13-year old kid doing stand-up at the village hall last week. He was fucking brilliant. Now that's should win the "worst at being a kid" award. When I was a kid the cutting-edge of comedy was farting in class.

DaveyH said...

"It looked like they were using snow to bury a goat."

Fucking genius. Looking forward to your Glasgow gig in the New Year.