At the beginning of this year I decided I had to change my ways. Every train journey I went on infuriated me and I ended up going up to complete strangers to tell them to switch off their music or to switch off the videos they were blasting out of their iPhones or to stop breathing. Last New Year's Eve I even went so far as to basically threaten a child by insinuating I was going to throw his shoe out a window. I felt embarrassed and pathetic. I'm just not going to get involved any more.
That sort of worked for a while but it's just so hard keeping quiet when everywhere you go there's an almighty cunt behaving like he or she is the only person in the fucking world. Despite it being so incredibly hard not to throttle practically every single person who comes within a half mile radius of me, I think I've done a fairly good job in 2010. I'm a lot less active in the train shushing department but it was just this weekend that I realised how I can be a lot calmer on trains no matter what is going on around me.
My view this year has been "If it's not annoying anyone else, then it's not annoying me" because previously I had ALWAYS been the one on the train that had to go up to the wanker and tell them to keep the noise down while all other passengers sit there pretending the carriage was perfectly tranquil. Of course, "If it's not annoying anyone else, then it's not annoying me" doesn't work because it certainly is annoying me and I'm pretty confident that it definitely is annoying everyone else too. And that's sometimes the only thing that gets me through these train journeys. Watching some businessman tut and sigh and give dirty looks to some complete arse playing Mumford and Sons can really entertain me on a long trip. And right there is my new found solution to my stress: Don't travel alone, bring an equally short-tempered git with you.
On Friday night, I travelled back from Cambridge with Liam Mullone. Liam is a very funny comedian and his perfect blogs mean that I am relegated to third greatest blogger of all time. Liam and I decided to spoil ourselves and go First Class. In a way. I mean, in as much as it was the last train back to London so we were confident that there would be no ticket inspector and, anyway, First Class was covered in ripped up Metro's, food wrappers and manure. NO ONE should pay extra to sit in there. A few stops into the journey and we were joined in the carriage by a big arse who sat behind Liam playing a very loud game on his iPad. He was the very advert of why NO ONE should have an iPad. Admit it. Think of all the things an iPad can do. Admit it. It's not very much at all, is it? Liam said that you'd have more to do with a rock and a chisel. Liam's great.
We tried to figure out what game the iArse was playing and we came to the conclusion that it was a game where you had to bring elderly gentleman to orgasm with a drill while a cuckoo watched. And it wasn't just noise that was upsetting. Oh, no. The iArse had choreography to go with his game. His arms flapped constantly and his body jerked frantically like his life actually depended on making old men cum in front of a bird. But just watching Liam's face get more and more serious, seeing the energy sap from his very frame, was all I needed to lift my spirits and actually embrace the noise. That's what I need. I need to see someone in pain and frustration so that I can somehow carry on. Does that sound cruel?Well, why do you read my blog then?
I'm telling you. Watching Liam's face and the flapping goon behind him really made me relaxed and happy. Life as camomile. If only someone had filmed it.
DON'T watch that loudly in public, please.