Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Brown Christmas.

Snow on the ground, the air filled with magic and wonder and yet Lewisham never changes. Magic and wonder wouldn't set foot in Lewisham. Awe inspiring beauty really gets ruined by the constant sounds of sirens and shouting. The snow may cover up most of the scratch cards, cigarette butts and corpses but Lewisham is still very much there and it won't let you forget it. You bastard.

Yesterday, I walked in the park with Jerk and soon realised I'd come out with any poo bags. This is a massive no-no if you're a dog owner. In fact, if you think that you're going to be responsible for any excrement being on the ground at any time, you should never leave the house without a poo bag. You don't need to be a dog owner. So, I decided to cheat. I'm not proud of myself but I really didn't want the £500 fine that I deserve for not picking up poo even though I know fully well that I could take a shit in the middle of Lewisham Shopping Centre and no one would mind. The thing is, I mind. So I felt guilty calling Jerk away from the main area of the park and closer to trees to poo. It wasn't ideal but it's better than poo everywhere where an innocent child could walk on it, eat it and become deaf (I think that's what it says on the poster). But my plan got foiled.

There was a man sitting on a bench. He saw my dog shit. Now he would see me walk past the shit without picking it up. He would see me shrug and not give a fuck where my dog shits. He would see me be like everyone else and just not care about a fucking thing.

Then I found two bags in my back pocket. Phew! My honour is saved. Now he would see me for the person I am. The thoughtful, respectful, caring sort of chap that picks up animal faeces with a bag and puts it in a bin. I'm not like everyone else.

Oh, but hang on. He is. He's a Lewisham resident. That's right. While I was picking up poo he got up from his bench and pissed against a wall. If that hasn't made you disgusted enough, how would you feel if I told you it was against the wall of a public toilet? What a fucking cunt.

I stood there and watched the man urinate (Sometimes I have to endure a lot to make a point). When he turned round he saw me staring and he looked embarrassed. "That's just disgusting", I said. "Was the door of the toilet just too far away for you?" He gave a bizarre answer. "Is that a lurcher or a greyhound?", he said. "You're changing the subject a bit", I replied.

I walked off in a huff. My spirits lifted though when I saw a kid playing in the snow. This weather might be a pain in the arse for us but children love it. Well, this child loves it. Hmmmm...there aren't any kids in the park. School's finished, this is a park full of snow, where are the kids? Is snow boring now? Has X-Factor and Xbox ruined the magic of snow even for them? Well, good on this one kid who's enjoying being a kid, loving the snow and building a snowman.

I got closer. It wasn't a child. It was a fully grown man. On his own. Building a snowman. And then dressing it in his clothes.

This would have been the most embarrassing thing that I'd seen that day if it wasn't for him beating that by running up to me and asking me to take a photo of him and his snowman. He wanted to prove to other people that he was once alone in a park building a snowman then dressed it in his jumper, coat and hat while he stood shivering in a t-shirt. Personally, I'd have kept that to myself. Nice to know that some man out there has a picture of himself, a snowman and Jerk, though. Oh, yeah. I got her in.

30 minutes later and I'm in Lewisham High Street where a "salesman" walked right up to me and wondered if I was interested in any watches, jewellery or sandwiches. I've never met anyone who sells counterfeit sandwiches before.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Michael....you are simply....genius. Cmon Channel 4....series please....o, and er, keep Gutted going. I liked that very much x