Sunday, 14 November 2010

No Punchline.

Perhaps I should just stay away from Lewisham Shopping Centre. Perhaps you should too. No good happens there. In fact, it's the very home of insanity. Monday to Friday is bad enough. The weird walking dead of the daytime people with fuck all to do brings a lovely depression to the massively strong floodlights and the Level 42 background music. Plus seeing people walk out of Ann Summers with their secret bags of secret underwear and going straight next door into Greggs for a pie is a lovely image that no amount of booze can destroy. But it's the weekend that Lewisham Shopping Centre's madness comes into it's own because during the weekend it's not just all about Argos or British Home Stores or that shop that only ever sells one thing and always closes down then re-opens the next week selling a different one thing (quite often Peter Andre's Insania cologne). At the weekend it's all about the community.

On Saturdays and Sundays I'm used to seeing face painting for kids, creepy men making balloon animals and the painful choking of community choirs. But recently it's changed. Lewisham Shopping Centre has totally gone 21st century on our asses. It's wicked there now. Boss. Aces. Fucking awful. Now they have things like X-Factah! or Lewisham's Got Talent and I am mesmerised every time I see them. Not that I'm a fan of children singing "Poker Face" but there really is nothing more enjoyable than watching a 9 year old burst into tears after being told by a grown adult that he or she is shit. I could watch that all day. But this weekend has been different. There is crime in Lewisham and the community wants to sort that out. The community want the youths of Lewisham to put down their knives. They want the youths of Lewisham to say no to violence. Hmmmm...but how do we get them to do that? Well, apparently the best way to stop young people getting into violence is by teaching them how to box. Lewisham Shopping Centre had a fucking boxing ring right in between the Sony shop and Adams'. Leaflets were being handed out and young people were all encouraged to start punching each other and to stamp out violence. I looked at the leaflet and it genuinely said that this was a "Punchathon" as part of the "Jab Don't Stab" campaign. It was then that I wondered if Graham Linehan is writing Lewisham Shopping Centre.

It's a fucking surreal place.

Don't forget, it's All Day Edinburgh on Sunday 21st December at The Phoenix. Great comedians in a great venue all day. No word on Ticketweb selling tickets yet (sigh...) but as soon as I know, you'll know. Even better if you follow All Day Edinburgh on Twitter. Acts are being added all the time and it's going to be a fantastic gig all in aid of Shelter. We will also be encouraging the youth of Lewisham to give up knife crime with out "Gags Not Stabs" campaign.

In the meantime, try to figure out how this happened:



Daniel said...

Did you mean 21st November? Either way, can't wait.

Rich said...

I always thought this blog would make a great book. Now I'm starting to think it'll make a great sitcom. One angry, bemused man wandering through a world of idiots.

Michael Legge said...

Funny you should say that, Rich....

Anonymous said...

double jab punchathon is the way forward, kick the shit out of everyone, kill anything

Chapcustard said...

Only just found your blog, but enjoying what I have read so far. Once I have read more I will let you know if I am disappointed to the point of fury or whether I want to dry hump the shit out of your leg. Not that your legs are full of shit. ALthough it's OK if they are because it obviously makes you write good blogs. Maybe I will start filling my legs with shit to improve my own blogging ability. How would one go about doing this? It would have to be a massive needle to get a whole jobby through. I shouldn't drink at lunchtimes. Bye.

Rory T. McTarkin Snr. said...

Dear Mr. Legge,
If it's not too much trouble, could you take the trouble to say what you actually mean?

While I enjoy (and almost entirely agree with) your cantankerous ravings on the state of the world today and everyone acting like a complete cunt as soon as they gain even a modicum of authority, your incorrect usage of punctuation (and the occasional misspelling) often breaks the flow of your stream-of-consciousness musings.
it's = the contraction for "it is" (the apostrophe replaces the omitted letter "i").
its = the possessive term of the given object (like "his", "hers", or "theirs").

Understandably, these two words are often confused due to the possessive form of proper nouns, such as "Paul's bicycle" or "James's crotch".

Here's a few links for your edification:

I believe this knowledge will only serve to more effectively convey your obstreperous thoughts to your fanbase, whilst sating the bloodlust of the pedants among it.

Best wishes,
Gen. R. T. McTarkin Snr.

Anonymous said...

to the above. chill.

Dean Saliba said...

Nothing cheers me up more than reading the rantings of Michael. :)