Goodbye, Brittany Murphy. I met her once, you know. We kissed. So let that be a warning to all of you. I am the kiss of death. OK, it was only a kiss on the cheek and it was three years ago but it was obviously deadly. Maybe I've got the cheek of death? Oh, yes. The "Coroner" says it was cardiac arrest but you people really don't quite get how mysterious and interesting I am. Do you?
I really liked Brittany Murphy and it really is a shame that she's dead. I loved Clueless (even though everyone else in the entire world hated it) and she was fantastic in Sin City. 32 years old is a tragic age to die. Especially when you consider that Andi MacDowell is still alive.
But there is at least one truly great human being left on this planet and his name is Kevin.
On Saturday night I decided to do my yearly thing of losing my phone. I left it on a train between Hitchin and St. Neots. I got off the train, realised I'd left my phone behind and came to terms with my loss. I would never see that phone again. Someone would find it, steal it, have sex with it, keep it in their cellar and torture it on a daily basis because that's how people are. If they find something that should be returned to it's rightful owner, the first thing they do is have sex with it. To be honest, I would. I had totally given up seeing that phone again the second I realised that it had gone.
But it was found by Kevin, a man too good for this harsh, cruel world. He found it and immediately did the right thing. He phoned my Mum, left a message with her, gave details on how I could pick up the phone and then had sex with it. I assume.
How nice is that? Someone ACTUALLY did the decent thing and returned a lost phone. He didn't phone Australia, text "Suk mi u beeeeaaatch" to my sister or put it up his bum, like the rest of us would have. Kevin, I thank you. You are the last of a dying breed. So, you know, don't die.
Other good people on this planet are, of course, John and Tracey Morter who started the campaign to stop the X-Factor winner's single becoming the Christmas number one. Rage Against The Machine got to number one with a song that wasn't a single and has the fuck-word in it. Pretty amazing. I love the fact that the nation has come together to say bum off to Simon Cowell. Yeah, yeah, yeah where were these angry people when it came to voting day and two BNP members got in? But since when has politics and fascism been as important an issue as pop?
I'm tired, OK?