Thursday, 24 December 2009

His Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day!

I am actually full of Christmas cheer, everyone! Jesus was born 2010 years ago, love and friendship is in the air and (mainly) I have done all my Christmas gigs for the year.

I had my last two last night at the excellent Funny Side of Covent Garden and got so weirded out by the shows that I barely did anything. The first show had a (very nice) audience of just 27 people. One of them was a woman. I think, to be fair, that's enough to weird anyone out. But I got through them, they had moments of fun and I never got punched in the face. Something that every comedian just assumes will happen at this festive, joyful time of year.

The other reason that I'm feeling very Christmassy is because a lot of very nice people have been sending very lovely Christmas messages of goodwill to me. I hate Christmas cards. I don't see the point in them. The way I see it is that I assume that you want me to have a nice Christmas so you don't need to send me a card telling me that. I want you to have a nice Christmas but feel that going out and buying cards, writing stupid messages in them and queueing up in a post office is only going to make me have a less nice Christmas. So by me sending YOU a card YOU have fucked up my good time. You shit. In fact, they should only make cards for people who want other people to have a shitty Christmas. That would be fair enough. I know Mum and Dad want me to have a nice Christmas so they didn't need to send a card but I had no idea that Ian and Brenda from number 12 wanted me to have a shit Christmas. Thank God they sent me a card or else I would have no idea. Look, on the front of the card it says "Jesus was born on this Holy Day..." and on the inside it says "Because you're a cunt. I hope you choke on your nut roast, you fucking wanker, Ian & Brenda." That just makes more sense.

BUT.....I have had nice messages from other folk. Firstly, I have missed the last two shows at the fantastic monthly gig, Hecklers in Aldershot, and the good people there made me a large card with individual post-it notes attached, each one containing a special Christmas message for me such as "Your a prick", "Fuck off and die of AIDS" and a picture of an arse. Thanks so much to Nobby and everyone at Hecklers. Then James Hingley and I recorded our Christmas Precious Little podcast and it is full of very lovely Christmas messages from other podcasts, Johnny Candon and one Cyberman (really). I urge you to listen to it only because it's quite funny hearing me get a bit overwhelmed by it all and all the messages make James and I sound really popular (well, except the one from Collings & Herrin). Thanks to everyone who sent their messages to us, they're fantastic. And thanks to James for surprising me with them (well, except for the one from Collings & Herrin). That's lovely, that is.

Have a lovely Christmas, dearest reader. Let peace be with you on this special day, may happiness reign upon you and may we all find the strength to try to forgive David Tennant and Russell T. Davies for what they are undoubtedly going to do.


Merry Christmas from Aldershot.


Ian Hewett said...

I have a nasty niggling feeling about RTD too. Maybe that's why he moved to LA.

Have a great few days, Michael. :)

Bob said...

Merry Christmas Michael. Your blog and sweary podcast have made dealing with the general fucking idiocy of every day life that little bit easier to deal with.

Fat Steve said...


I must say, I really enjoy your podcast and think it is nearly as good as my own, but this latest episode did have me wanting to tear your fucking lungs out, if you'll pardon the expression. I was listening to it on an hour and a half long plane journey which I had to get up extremely early for. I found myself nodding off twice and both times I was woken by your random shouting. I had to shut it off after twenty minutes and ended up listening/sleeping to a Yoko Ono album instead (I'm not joking, I actually find Onobox very relaxing.)

Now, I may have a few small criticisms of your podcast, but if I can be so bold, I have to say that your blog is PERFECT. It brings me so many moments of pure joy that I am willing to forgive your absolute cuntiness in waking me up on the fucking airplane.

Fat Steve from Atlanta