Surely the bottom of the barrel has been scraped so much that it is now just dust. Have you ever pitched an idea to a TV company and had it rejected? Feels bad, eh? Now think about how bad that feels now knowing that Five have decided to go ahead and make Heads Or Tails.
Justin Lee Collins, Britain's fattest and loudest T-shirt, hosts a brand new game show where contestants have the chance to win one million pounds on the flip of several coins. The contestant simply has to say heads or tails. Obviously, it's not that simple. The contestants have to pick a number between one and twenty first and then they flip a coin.
Oh, sorry, it IS that simple. It is the simple half-brother to Deal Or No Deal, it is utterly pointless (because flipping a coin CANNOT entertain unless in lands in Justin Lee Collins eye) and it is stolen from a Peter Serafinowicz sketch.
It starts badly and keeps that as a theme throughout. The opening has Justin's massive head flapping in an incredibly serious way. "A million pounds could be won", he says like he's telling the world that nuclear weapons are heading for us. "But will they choose heads (pause for incredible amount of non-suspense) or tails?" Then the opening credits roll with a big silver coin flipping constantly to show all the aspects of Justin's personality. You know, "Grinning like a cunt" and "Looking like a cunt". And then it begins.
A giggling arsehole who actually thinks Justin Lee Collins is great giggles and points and giggles as she can't quite believe that she was chosen to be in a game show that she applied to be in. She is going to go out of her mind if she correctly predicts heads or tails (she does). Justin asks her to pick a number and the audience laugh hysterically at the contestant's reluctance to choose the number 7. "It's not curly or straight, is it?", she reasons while the rest of us convince ourselves further that this planet is doomed. She picks her number, the lights go down and Justin Lee Collins asks the all important question: HEADS OR..........................................................................TAILS?
She picks one. He flips a coin. She's either right or wrong. It's depressing.
Luckily Justin is on hand to fill up the show with his magic. He asks the contestant about her best friend. They talk about the contestant's best friend. We learn that she is a hairdresser and lives in the world. THEN, because Justin is brilliant, her best friend appears from the side of the studio. The contestant goes apeshit. The audience goes apeshit. Justin is apeshit. I mean, seriously, how on Earth could TWO ordinary members of the public find their way to a location? FUCKING AMAZING.
My favourite part is when the contestant feels the pressure. I mean, heads or tails? So much to choose from. She turns to the audience for advice. Unbelievably some shout heads while others shout tails. This is going out on television.
If you have any scripts that you would like the powers that be in telly to look at so that you can somehow improve the medium, then please bin them now. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak in the future. TV wants itself to be shittier and there is no such thing as too shit. Your script will be rejected or ignored and Heads or Tails will get a second series and a Christmas special. What's the fucking point? Even the sketch show that this was stolen from didn't get a second series (although it did get a Christmas special). I'm depressed.