I really don't know what to say. James Corden, although I wasn't always a fan, definitely brought a lot of happiness to a lot of people over the last couple of years and I can only assume that this morning's news has come as a shock to the entire comedy community. I know it seems hypocritical, I haven't been very nice about him in my blog, but I feel genuinely sad that his end came in such a tragic and sudden way. I abhor violence so I can only say how disgusted I am by the people who think that kicking one of Britain's fattest entertainers to death is appropriate. I know that they were just warming up for today's G20 riot and who doesn't blame Gavin and Stacey for the global recession? That's not the point. Kicking a man to death can't solve anything. Yeah, maybe if someone had thought of kicking Hitler while he was still a stuggling artist then maybe that nasty WWII wouldn't have happened but comparing James Corden to Hitler isn't completely fair. All I can say is, although I never knew James, I will miss him. He died like he lived, begging people to like him. Matt Horne was also killed but not a single person noticed.
HA HA HA! APRIL FOOL'S!
You completely fell for that, you big eejit! James Corden wasn't even kicked to death by a blood thirsty mob. He's very much alive. In fact, yesterday Chortle revealed that Horne & Corden had been commissioned for a second series by BBC3 despite universal slaggings of the show by everyone who's even heard of it. Hang on....Horne & Corden....everyone hates them....BBC3 has recommissioned them...it's April Fool's Day...???? FUCK! I can't believe I fell for it! That's hilarious. God, I'm so gullible. A second series. Ha ha ha ha. That is priceless.
We have some new, deeply depressing regulars in the park. They are druggies. Druggies that hang around our park giving the alcoholics and people who shout a trees a bad name. I don't know what's happened or where they've come from but they seem to just have appeared all of a sudden. I've seen druggies in the park before of course but they're easily frightened. It seems like they've returned, and in greater numbers. I saw one under a bridge with his trousers round his ankles injecting something (probably heroins) into his thigh. Lovely. Don't get me wrong, it must be horrible being addicted to drugs and, yeah, at least they're getting fresh air. I'm just not mad keen on seeing people that shuffle around like The Walking Dead and have so much mucus that they even have to blow their own eyes to get snot out. It's not nice. Plus, now that the druggies have started turning up all the families have disappeared which means that children are not using the park. So, that's good.
Not all children. Over the last few days, I've seen two babies in the park every time I go there. The same two babies, I mean. The same two babies with the same Mums. No matter how awful Daniel's thick as pig shit Mum was she's fucking Parent of the Year compared to these cunts. The first time I saw them, on Sunday, they were sitting on a bench with their babies in prams in front of them. They were smoking cigarettes like they were really, really sure that there was just a bit more nicotine in there somewhere if they just sucked hard enough. They were also drinking but I couldn't figure out what the drink actually was. It looked like a really odd bottle. I got closer. No, it's a really weird can. I got closer. NO! Silly me! It wasn't a bottle or a can that they were drinking from but a zebra-skin glove, obviously. They had a can of something in a zebra-skin glove each and were drinking away, happy in the security that no-one knew that they had a drink problem. Now, I definitely don't know if they have a drink problem but I'm also definitely sure that they have a mental problem. Even drinking mineral water in a glove is surely a lot stranger than drinking a can of special brew uncovered before 10am.
Jerk is getting slightly edgy in the park these days too. She's barked aggressively at two policemen this week. One looked terrified (especially when I "joked" that I had trained her to do that to policemen) but the other just looked at her and shouted back "Shut up, dog", which made me laugh a lot. That's the great thing about the park. It's very interactive. Plus, isn't it good to know that there is a place where Police and druggies can just hang out together. Nice.
Oh, good luck today, G20. I could do with the money. I've only got £2.70 so far for selling off Rex Boyd. Only a couple of days left so get your bids in. You know you want to (OK, I know you don't. Do it anyway).