Monday, 20 April 2009


It's been 11 years that I have been keeping this secret but I think I'm ready to get it all out in the open.

I have reasonably questionable taste when it comes to films. I love Tron but think The Godfather is dull and overrated. Even after Watchmen, I STILL think that V For Vendetta is the best Alan Moore adaptation. Ang Lee's Hulk is better than The Incredible Hulk. In fact, it's better than Citizen Kane, for fuck's sake. But then, what isn't? Just in case I'm not getting my taste in films through to you clearly enough: The Piano is shit, About A Boy is brilliant. There. Get the picture?

But here's the biggie: I love Godzilla. No-one loves Godzilla. No-one even likes Godzilla. Well, I'm not no-one. I think it's a fantastic film and was reminded of it's glory by Channel Five last night. The story is this, a big monster smashes everything to pieces. That is the sort of plot that I can get my teeth into. A satirical reflection of a paranoid America during the McCarthy era? FUCK OFF. Godzilla punched the Empire State Building and then shat all over Madison Square Garden. Where is that in Milk? NOWHERE. The rise of gay rights throughout the seventies will never be as impressive, inspiring or emotional as a giant lizard knocking the balls out of two submarines. That's not just my opinion, that is a fact. Look it up.

Of course, like all great masterpieces, it is flawed. There are just two things wrong with it, though. The script and the people in it. If they'd just ironed out those two creases in the genius of Godzilla then that film would be regarded as the big scary dinosaur version of The Bicycle Thief. Matthew Broderick, not content with killing two people in a road accident in Northern Ireland in the '80's, now has such a thirst for blood that he must destroy everything that he is in. He does so magnificently here. He plays the part of scientist Nick Tatopoulos who has been brought in by the Pentagon to look at the biggest pile of God-damned lizard faeces that America has ever faced. Every time that he is told about the destruction and mayhem that a monster the size of the Twin Towers has brought to New York he acts like his Nana has told him that she's run out of peas. He couldn't give a fuck. Broderick, when not washing the blood of the innocent off his hands, is an actor with a lot of experience and therefore realised that Jeff Goldblum had pretty much cornered the market in quirky, weirdo scientist and therefore decided to base his character on a bellend. He does so with aplomb. Not that he is solely to blame, his supporting cast turned up on the day of filming and that is the best that you can say about them and the script is something no-one really thought about before saying out loud. There's not one line that follows another and makes sense.

Nick: Audrey? Is that you?

Audrey: It's good to see you, Nick.

Nick: So, you made it?

Audrey: What?

That's the kind of material these people were working with. Maybe Horne and Corden are excellent after all? Maybe we shouldn't be shooting them but just shooting the fuckwits that write their show.

I think what I like most about it though is how it paints Americans as they really are. Strong, resilient and big-animal-killy. There is not a single person in New York that looses it's fucking mind when faced with a monster. Even the tiny chemist shop in Times Square says Fuck You, Buddy A-Hole to Godzilla and stays open to sell pregnancy tests to all those people worried about bringing a baby into this newly massive-lizard dominated world. People are being killed left, right and centre but the main characters in the movie still have time to complain about coffee, make jokes about each other's hair and cry because they haven't got further in their careers (art imitating life for some of the actors, there) and yet....I still love it. It's a big mess but so am I. Maybe I look at Godzilla, breathing fire on soldiers and protecting his eggs, and I just see myself. Badly written, terrible casting and needs editing. But look at the destruction. Fantastic.

Certainly way better than Louis Theroux's latest documentary on BBC1 last night that went in deep to show us that paedophiles are quite strange people. Well, I never! Louis, you're a genius. Can't wait for his next documentary where he reveals that the world is round and he is a cunt. LOOK! Louis says, LOOK! LOOK AT THE PAEDOPHILES! They're all singing The Addams Family Theme and one of them had a drawing of a ballerina in his cell! Yeah, that is somewhat strange but, you know, not quite as strange as the fact that they FUCK CHILDREN. I can't help but think that that's probably the worst thing that they've done. Still, very revealing.

I really meant what I said about Godzilla. I love it and, I suppose, I want you to love it too. Please don't bother going outside to enjoy the sun today. The sun gives you cancer whereas Godzilla will only give you stress lumps at best. Please stay in and give it a second chance and when Empire or IMDB or any of those film thingies carry out their 100 Greatest Films Ever please only vote for Godzilla. If nothing else, it will fuck Godfather fans off and that is the only reason I have left to live. Thank you.


Insults said...

Horne and Corden are still fuckwits though, right? Right. Good.

Michael Legge said...

God, yes.