I hate Dan Antopolski. His incredible performance on Sunday night was supposed to influence me but so far I've come up with nothing. I fucking hate him. I'm having a completely blank brain day. I'm totally blogless. I'm even writing this on a train to Glasgow. Surely a train would be full of awful bastards that would get all my blood going all Rottweillerish but EVERY SINGLE FUCKER on this train is quiet and well behaved. They're not even screaming their pointless lives down their mobiles at their fat friends. Even the baby in the arms of the woman two seats away from me is quietly sleeping. I hope it has a nightmare about the Easter Bunny being shot and raped, the selfish little fucker. Why isn't anyone thinking about me today?
Is this how comedy writers live with themselves? It's a constant struggle to get anything made so you make ends meet any way you can, even if it means writing for The Justin Lee Collins Show or coming up with cheesy links for Ben Shephard on The Xtra Factor. Surely the only way that you can avoid the welcoming taste of a gun in your mouth is to only write for these things when you've got writer's block?
Well, that's this blog fucked now. As soon as I started writing a family of CUNTS came and sat right next to me. No doubt my blog wouldn't have been overly insightful on the life of a comedy writer that only writes for things that they hate but I'd have given it a go. That has been ruined by these fuckwits that cannot control their many, many children. Bad parents are the closest we have to real zombies. They actually look dead. They just sit there hoping that we will save them by cutting off their heads. They don't hear their children screaming, they don't see them smearing their bogies on a window and they obviously don't smell them when they shit themselves. These children have killed them.
Or so it would appear. At some point a bad parent obviously let's their little mistake get away with something that they shouldn't be doing. That's when the rest of society should be allowed to grab that person by the eyelids and drag them over a field of broken glass. Yeah, they've fucked up their own lives but why fuck up ours too? I'm a very relaxed, good natured, calm sort of soul but even I think that children should be kept in a dark room until they're old enough to understand "Sit down and shut up and fuck off". But these idiots right across from me RIGHT now cannot cope with their little mistakes because of their lack of discipline from Day 1. Now the children know just how to work the parents. They make noise and the parents give in. They make more noise and the parents give up. They do whatever the fuck they want and the parents just fade to grey. "Mummy" is just opening a second bag of sugar coated sugar for her little gremlins while "Granny" is singing a lullaby, probably to herself.
Why paedophiles find these bastards attractive is beyond me. They're awful. And now I'm in a mood. Be careful what you wish for.