Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Unsomnia.

I went to see Inception and now I have an opinion of the whole of mankind. You either hate Inception or you're a fucking idiot. Obviously, people who haven't seen it are also allowed to hate it but they can't just say "Oh, I haven't seen that yet" because that implies that you want to see it. In other words, you like it. In other words, you're a fucking idiot.

It's been a while since I've seen a film quite as bad as Inception but, to give it it's dues, it started really well. Not the film, but the film experience. I saw it in a cinema in Cardiff. That doesn't sound so great? OK, how's this? I saw it in an EMPTY cinema in Cardiff. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Having the cinema to yourself is fantastic. It's only happened to me once before and that was a long time ago. The Pope Must Die, which surely should have a re-release this week. I can sit where I like, I can keep my phone on, I can whistle. Whistling in the cinema! Have you ever known such decadence?

I watched the trailers and got angry because somehow this is a real film and not a pisstake: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq27k6njR40

So, not off to a great start but I had heard so many great things about Inception so time to relax into my seat and enjoy it.

JESUS CHRIST, IT'S JUST SO FUCKING BORED. I HATE IT. IT'S ONLY BEEN ON 17 SECONDS AND I WANT TO SMASH MY OWN FACE IN WITH A BASTARD HAMMER. I'VE NEVER EVER FELT SO BORED AND ALONE AND DEPRESSED AND CUT OFF FROM EXISTENCE AS I DO RIGHT NOW.

Basically, Inception is a po-faced, earnest and entirely tedious version of Tron. Something that can't ever happen is happening and we will act like it is the most serious thing to have ever been written despite it being 100% ridiculous and pointless. Don't worry if you're planning on watching Inception (although I recommend you never, ever do that), I won't be spoiling the film here in this blog. The film is already spoiled. That's got nothing to do with me.

Dream invasion doesn't exist but that's OK because we can all use our imaginations and pretend it does. Fine. Good. Invading people's dreams to take information from them. Good idea. All fine. Leonado DiCaprio plays Cobb, a man who is the BEST and stealing information from dreams. Erm...OK. But don't push it. He's also an American who can never return home to see his kids so he lives in France.

Hang on, is he invading dreams as the only way to see his children?

Erm...

MOVE YOUR KIDS TO FRANCE, YOU FUCKING DICK. The realisation that that's what the film is about happens about 50 minutes before the end. I left 10 minutes after that. It's a plot hole so massive that you just can't forgive it or forget it. At least Tron revelled in it's ridiculousness. Inception thinks it's carved out of fucking oak. Wrong director, wrong actors. These people are too worthy for such a bubblegum premise. Even McG directing Vin Diesel in Inception would have been better. Trying to make something enjoyably stupid into something seriously credible ruined it. And Leonardo DiCaprio will always look like a little boy wearing his Dad's suit to a job interview for the rest of his life. Rubbish.

The rest of my weekend was nice though. All good gigs at The Glee in Cardiff and then Robin Ince and I got the old band back together for the End Of The Road Festival. It was just brilliant to be doing Pointless Anger, Righteous Ire again. Just as all over the place as before. Dropping material and not getting to the end. Fun. Afterwards Robin signed copies of his book. So did I, which I don't think is the spirit of book signings. They definitely should be your books that you're signing, no? I decided to stay overnight at the festival while Robin got back in his pensioner bus to start the sing-song on the way home. I stayed for the people not the bands. It was nice to see a lot of friends there and I either didn't really like the bands or I didn't know who they were. Errors and Drum Eyes were excellent. I had heard of Adam Green, though. I wish I hadn't. He's an awful twat. I see a lot of Har Mar Superstar in him and you shouldn't see that in anyone. Allow me to inflict him on you now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1NHmikc4BU

www.michaellegge.info

5 comments:

James Lock said...

For reasons identical to yourself, I too decided to walk out of this film half way through. I was sat in the middle of the row and decided to leave to my right as there were fewer people to climb over. The only problem was that in my rush I didn't check what was at the end of the row: on the right was a wall not an aisle. Having reached the row's end I was then forced, out of embarrassment (the cinema was nearly full), to watch the remainder of the film.

For your reference, the end of the film was as fucking shite as the beginning. He EVENTUALLY found his kids but then he did the spinny thing and it didn't stop spinning!!!!! OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a fucking twist!!!!! Maybe it was a dream after all!!!!!!!!!

Daniel said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that films should have things like characters, and a point. I've felt that I am when listening to friends go on and fucking on about Inception being amazing when in fact its a boring, slow, inconsequential, self-indulgent, humourless piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

I would like to know for what reasons you all decided to even walk in to this film.

i have no intention of seeing this EVER.

Part Time Infidel said...

I've heard conflicting accounts; some people have told me it's great, while others feel much the same way as you about it. I suspect it's neither as terrific of terrible as either side claims.

Andy said...

Can't say I was making much of an effort to go and see Inception, despite people telling me "Dude! It's awesome!" - your summation of it has sealed its fate.

End Of The Road was a great weekend, and I love the fact I have Robin Ince's book signed by you as well ("dickwad", if you remember) - that's probably my defining EOTR festival moment :)

Oh, and you should have seen The London Snorkelling Team instead of Adam Green - far more entertaining.