Thursday, 23 September 2010


So now I have a big foot. I mean that's what I really need; a big foot. What next? Fat hands? Massive ear? Huge penis? That would just be my luck to end up having a penis that was big. Big, like my foot.

Over the past couple of days my right foot has hurt. That crappy pain that makes you have to totally prepare yourself for standing up because your foot has decided overnight to turn you into an 85 year old. It took me about 5 minutes to walk downstairs yesterday and my foot looked really big. A big, big foot. Maybe it's broken? You hear about that sort of thing all the time, don't you? A man who had trouble hearing but he didn't make a big deal about it and left it for six months until his wife told him he HAD to go to the doctors. Turned out, he had a broken foot. And that girl who had a bad back. Never had a bad back in her life. She tried everything. Stretching, yoga, ignoring it. Turns out, she was pregnant. And the baby had a broken foot. So, although I have no memory of ever breaking my foot, I started to get convinced that I had got drunk and punched my foot for looking at me funny. I really best go to the hospital.


I don't go to hospital right away. I'm allergic to my own health and I know I'll be fine if I just ignore it. Once I give the state of my health any attention then I know I will be given weeks to live. It took a lot for me to actually consider going to the hospital so no-one could complain if I didn't go there right away. My foot might be broken, I know that. So before I go to the hospital I'll go for a long walk. That'll help my snapped bones.

Weirdly, it did. Hmmmm...this isn't a broken foot, is it? I've just got a big foot. That's the medical condition that I've been lumbered with. A big foot. How are the youths of Britain supposed to adore me when I'm on stage now? "Yes! He is a spokesperson for 2010 with his opinions on Lidl and funny aprons", they will cry. "But he has a big foot. We cannot listen to a man with a big foot. Go away, you big footed old nothing". I will try to explain that it's all fine, Daniel Kitson has his stutter and Russell Howard has his eyes, it's only a big foot. Come back! But they will just walk away. A stutter and his eyes are acceptable disabilities. A big foot is laughable and no-one wants to laugh at a comedian in 2010.

I am finished.

So I eventually went to A&E at Lewisham hospital. The receptionist asked me a series of questions, not all of which I understood. "What is your name? Address? Do you smoke? Have you ever smoked? Does your job entail cycling? Do you use your feet? Are you currently online? What went wrong with Heroes?" Then I took my seat and waited. I looked at my big foot and started to thing the worst. It's going to come off, isn't it? I've got gangrene and it's spreading fast and I'm going to have lose one of my favourite feet in the world. Everyone else in this waiting room is in for trivial things yet they will all get seen before me despite the fact that I AM A BIG FOOT SUFFERER WHO WILL BE LOSING HIS BIG FOOT A BIT LATER. Everyone around me all seemed to be in for the same thing anyway. They've obviously all been kissing Captain Kirk:

Luckily I was seen by an expert who confirmed everything I had feared. "It is big", she said. I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT. MY FOOT IS BIG AND NOW I'M GOING TO DIE. I'M GOING TO DIE OF BIG. MY FOOT HAS TOO MUCH BIG AND NOW I MUST DIEEEEEE!!!!!

Calm down. The good news is that it's not broken. The gooder news is that it won't be big for long. The great news is that I have inflamed tendons. I can't really explain why I was happy to hear that my tendons are inflamed but I am. I know that it's definitely something about me being such a grumpy bastard that even my tendons are inflamed. My foot isn't just big, it's furious.

So now I have lots and lots of pain killers and very feeble and pathetic exercises to do every day to reduce big foot to just foot. I'll miss my angry foot really. There was so much of me in it. Of course, the worst thing about being a bit poorly is that I can't have my normal cure for all diseases; an egg beat up in a cup. My vegan brain won't let me. But vegan's have an alternative so I gave it a try. Scrambled tofu. What it lacks in taste is what I don't like about it.


Rich said...

That's funny.

BLaCKouT said...

It wasn't gout, brought on by your base excesses, then. Fair enough.

Becky said...

Just use more garlic! For the tofu and maybe the foot.