Last night, I got bitten by a toilet.
What is it with me and toilets? I do nothing but give them respect but they either refuse to let me help them get fixed or they completely blank me at Brooke's Bar every time I say hello or, in this one case, they bite me on the arse. I don't ask for much from toilets. I just want to either pop in there for a quick wee safe in the knowledge that my wee-wee will be safely archived by the toilet for later use or I go in there, sit down and spend the best part of the day tweeting and texting and reading bad reviews on Chortle. That's what a toilet is for. But maybe there is only so much shit they can take and now the toilets are revolting. There were the nightmare portaloos of Latitude Festival that not only refused to take shit but seemingly sprayed it all over the seat, walls and ceiling knowing that there was nothing you could do about it. The nearest other loo was miles away. You had to just hold your breath and take it. The little boy from Schindler's List looking up at you as you reluctantly did your business. And the terrifying toilet at the C-Venue bar in Edinburgh that was obviously owned by the naughty man from Saw. And now this toilet. The one that sits waiting in the acts room at the Glee in Birmingham. Waiting to feed on flesh.
This happens to a lot of acts just before a gig: you suddenly feel knackered. Maybe the body is reserving energy for the gig ahead, I don't know. Some acts do warm-ups before the gig to combat that feeling but no-one likes those acts. Others drink a can of Red Bull. Anything to wash that taste of cocaine from the throat. Me? I go to the toilet. It's just a solitary quiet moment to pause and reflect. But last night was different. I didn't notice a crack right across the toilet seat, which is weird for any Doctor Who fan. We're addicted to cracks now. When we see one we just point and smile at it for hours while repeating the word "Pandorica" over and over and over again. But this time, the crack went unnoticed. Which is just what the toilet wanted. My gluteus maximus got trapped in the crack. AAAOOOOWW! The fucking toilet was now attached to me. I tried to stand up but it wouldn't let me. The fucking thing just stuck it's teeth into my left buttock and I was struggling to get free. I looked down and saw a lot of me in it's jaws. Well, not a lot of me but more of me than I expected or wanted to see in the jaws of a toilet. Then I saw the blood.
The fucking ceramic bastard had drawn blood. I had to carefully sort of bend the toilet seat back and free myself. I stood up immediately and saw the blood on the seat, the crack now looking like an evil grin with my blood on it's lips. What the fuck is going on? The toilets are coming to get us. Well, once bitten, twice shy, motherfucker. No Goddamned toilet is ever going to feast on my blood ever again. This was all too much for me. I needed to sit down.
AAAOOOOOWW! It did it again. That's right. That's the M. Knight Shyalaman twist to this story. You all thought it was going to be about a toilet biting me but it wasn't. It was about a toilet biting me twice.
God, I'm a fucking idiot.
Yes, I'm in Birmingham and was delighted to find out that Johnny Candon is also in town. We went to the cinema together. That's nice, isn't it? We went to the cinema that, pretty much a year ago to the day, I was unlucky enough to see Fat Cunt's cock. I'm still not quite over that yet. We saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and I really enjoyed it. Way better than Fat Cunt's cock. It's a very cute film with a questionable moral. I see a lot of myself in that. But it is very funny and brilliantly stupid. Not a perfect film but it's flaws are still pretty good. All the best things are brilliant but flawed. Doctor Who, Mr. Show, King of Everything. Flawed but completely genius. It should go without saying that my favourite line in the film is "Vegan basically means that you're better than everyone else". Who would have thought Brandon Routh would be good? Not me. And he is. You should see it today.
I'm being eased back onto the stand-up circuit gently. I couldn't ask for a better club than The Glee in Birmingham. It's so nice. See you there tonight.