Mum's The Law.

The great thing about saying something stupid is that you can be corrected. Educated even. It appears that I'm not that up to speed on the whole breastfeeding thing and quite a few people were very happy to put me straight on a few things after yesterday's blog. Not that many, but a few. Way less than the amount of people who gave me all the "killing myself" advice after I said I'd heard a very funny rumour that Russell Howard and Michael McIntyre had had a punch up. But the points were interesting and I think I've learned something.

First things first, the whole breastfeeding at the wedding dinner lasted 10 seconds for me. The woman in question seemed perfectly pleasant and the whole lunch was lovely. But that's not very interesting, is it? I had to get something negative from the day (IT'S WHO I AM) and I still think that breastfeeding at a dinner table that you are sharing with other guests at a wedding is one of the few exceptions to when public breastfeeding would be better if it was more discreet. My mind hasn't changed about that. What my mind has opened up to is what a massive pain in the arse feeding a baby must be.

Is it a surprise that I, a childless man who has absolutely no interest in ever having children, am a tad naive when it comes to the subject of breastfeeding? It shouldn't be. Why should I give a fuck about the laws and etiquette of breastfeeding? I'll tell you why: because it's yet another thing that the rest of the world does for YOUR baby. I'm glad people decided to put me in my place over the issue because I understand what goes on and how it effects mothers more now. I'm happy to know this because I'm supportive of YOUR baby. Just like the rest of the world is. We don't have to be, we want to be.

The main response to my blog (which was supposed to be a fucking joke, you joyless bunch of furious cunts) was negative and the stories that I received from people saying that "one time I was asked to leave a shop because I was breastfeeding" or "one time I was given a dirty look just because I was breastfeeding on a bus" just became utterly trivial to me. You really are a deeply selfish bunch of thankless fuckers. I fully understand how difficult it must be, what a chore it is and how when a baby is upset and needs food you just have to feed it there and then but to even suggest that because you breastfeed you are persecuted is utterly ridiculous. The rest of the world actually bends over backwards for YOUR baby. Creches are built in shops, cinemas are given over to you for special screenings and you can breastfeed anywhere you want (even at a dinner table, apparently). The rest of the world tolerates this because it is supportive of YOUR baby. That's the reason that no one said anything during the lunch because we tolerate it. The rest of the world tolerates it. Not everyone might like it (none of us HAVE to like it) but we tolerate it. And we tolerate it because, like YOU, we want what's best for YOUR baby.

No one has a grudge against a baby. It's a natural gut instinct within us all to wish the best for a child. We've all fucked it all up but maybe this one will be OK we think as we're told we can't swim during 10am-11am because of the Mothers and Babies session. Has our tolerance of YOUR baby really gone that unnoticed by you? I can't help but think that for all of society's few arseholes (maybe me included) that can't stand the amount of cuntingly huge all-terrain sports buggies that fill the entrance to Tesco that there are millions more who are all up for making sure that you have a parking space right by the door. After all, we didn't force you to have a baby. And there isn't a single, solitary reason that isn't completely selfish for having one. There really isn't. "We're in love and we just feel having a baby is right". What has that got to do with the baby? That's your problem. "I think it's what God put us here to do". Grow the fuck up. "There's just something inside me that makes me feel like I must have a child". Oh, it's one rule for you and another for the paedophiles. Not good enough!

I've met very few parents that don't have selfishness written all over them. They rarely shut up about their child or having their child, they walk about shoving their baby down your throat and just expect the world to stop doing what it's doing to make sure their baby is OK. I have no idea why YOU do this because we already do try to make sure your baby is OK. We're the best support group YOU have and YOU'RE lucky to have us. For all our fuck ups, we're on YOUR side and I think we do a really good job.

But was there one report in amongst all these complaints of how society has changed to accommodate YOUR baby? Fuck no. Parents are very selfish you see.

My Mum is incredibly selfish. She was on Songs Of Praise last night and I watched the entire thing from beginning to end. I sat through TV Church for my Mum and only saw the top of the back of her head. I'll never get that half an hour back. Luckily, what with not having any kids I had nothing better to do anyway.

By the way, someone called Anonymous (or Coward as I like to call them) posted a response to yesterdays blog on Blogger.com saying that a law was passed in Scotland making it illegal to prevent breastfeeding anywhere. Isn't that the case all over the UK? Am I wrong? You know, again.

Oh, and James Corden is a cunt. There. All better again.

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