Friday, 12 March 2010

Dress Sexy At My Funeral.

Well, my "bad" news didn't happen after all which is great for me. It means I'm still going to Edinburgh and everything is back on course. But now I have nothing to complain about so that's my blog fucked. Christ Almighty will these things ever stop tormenting me? Even when my life is going well it's only doing so so it can screw up the one thing I actually like doing: this. CUNTS!

Even gigs have been going well recently. I say well, last week I did a gig to 12 people in a University in Hatfield (they were lovely but they were 12 people. And they ALL sat at the back of the room) and last night I performed in front of a whopping 22 people in East London. They were quite nice but the room was so big and there were so few people there that everyone just felt a bit awkward. When I bounced cheerily on to the stage the general vibe was "Oh. Oh, God, no. You're not really going ahead with this, are you? I mean, no-one is here. You don't expect ME to laugh, do you? Oh, sweet Jesus" and that got me thinking.

What if not very many people turn up for my funeral? Will they still go ahead with it? I don't know if funerals ever get cancelled due to lack of interest but it was pretty much the only thing I was thinking about during my opening 10 minutes.

I quite like the idea of not very many people turning up to my funeral. It would be really awkward and embarrassing but not for me. I'd be dead. The stupid, respectful few who turned up would definitely feel weird about it though and that would be my final "fuck you" to them. The stupid, caring, lovely bastards. Or even better, what if just one person turned up to my funeral? That would be great! Ha ha ha! You liked the most unpopular man on Earth! You sitting alone, wearing black, wreath holding cunt! Actually, maybe the only person to come to my funeral would be Janice Pollack, the girl that everyone fancied in my primary school. Finally, I'd be alone with Janice Pollack. That would show those boys at school who laughed when I wrote about how much I hearted her on the front of my jotter. Yeah, if I was dead and only Janice Pollack turned up I'd have revenge and maybe even a new girlfriend.

Like I said, things are going well at the moment. Not much to complain about so I have to make things up. Perhaps I need to get out more.

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