Welcome to my 100th Glorious Blog! I’ve done more than 100 but I’m officially saying that my blog really started with “2 Days To Go….” on the 26th of July, the very first of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival blogs. I like blogging. I think more people should do it mainly because it’s fun, it helps you realise that your life is nowhere near as good as it should be and you might get some material out of it. So far I haven’t but you might. Plus I love people leaving comments on the blog. I’m trying to figure out what I can do with my blog on a slightly more professional level but if that meant sacrificing Johnny Candon’s songs and poetry, not to mention the rudeness, that he leaves then it might not be worth it. So thanks for that, everyone. And, as it’s my 100th blog I felt that it was fitting to look back over the very best bits of the last 100 blogs in this, my 100th Blog Compilation:
Cunt. Edinburgh Fringe. Fucking cunt. Fucking This fucking Belongs To fucking Lionel Richie. Fucking stupid cunts. I’m shit in The Clock Hour. Cunt. Crying Pregnant Bastard. Balls in a cup of cunts. Toilet. The “c” word. I’m 40 now. CUNT!!!!! A nutter tried to cut my hair in Glasgow. I am using the word cunt. Gypsys are moving in. Shitty shit cunts. Los Quattros Cunts. Young people in the park think I’m an arsehole. TV is shit. CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have deep, penetrative sex with Famke Janssen. Doug Stanhope fans are beyond simple. Cunt. Doctor Who. BrendAn Burns being a penis. Wispas. Leicester is the hub of piss, etc.
That’s sort of everything I’ve ever said in a nutshell, I think. No doubt from now on I’ll be a lot more deep, meaningful and intelligent with my blogs. I mean, the first 100 are like a trial run, aren’t they? I wasn’t really blogging but from now on I will be.
Leicester is the hub of piss, I’ve decided. It has nothing to offer anyone and I’m very impressed and disappointed that anyone has decided to live there of their own free will. Three different Internet cafes were tried yesterday on my quest to cut and paste my blog from my memory stick. The first two claiming that they don’t have Microsoft Word. That’s like an Internet café saying they don’t have electricity or computers to me. The third one had Word but the person who was in charge asked the most bizarre question. I said I’d like to go online and he came back with “Online on a computer?” After a while I think its safe to assume that Leicester is taking the piss. That said, I feel as it’s my 100th Blog I should say something much more positive about the town so, please, let me try. There are two positive things about Leicester city. One is the shoeshine man in the centre of town whose sign reads “I will heel you, I can save your sole, I will even dye for you” and the second is that Leicester had nothing to do with the shooting of Abraham Lincoln. There. That’s pretty much it.
I’ll admit it. Last night’s gig was what you might consider a much more traditional Christmas gig, in so much as there were a bunch of shouty pricks in. I didn’t have a good one. That said, I don’t totally feel like I had a bad one either. A bunch of arses from British Gas decided that they would be the stars of the night and, unsurprisingly, they were witless, drunk and ugly. I really liked the rest of the audience, partly because they were very nice and seemed to like my bit but much more because they fucking hated the ugly bastards from British Gas. It was one of those gigs that happens at this time of year. I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I wanted to do Sean Lock’s material but instead I stupidly did my own and even then I did a lot less of that than I could have due to dealing with the idiots. At one point I got heckled with “You don’t work at British Gas”, surely the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me but at the end of the day I felt slightly like I was taking one for the team. The gas people were much nicer during Paul Chowdry’s set due to a mix of my incredibly humble sacrifice and Paul being way better than me. He was very, very funny. I’m glad he’s trying a new direction. Not that I can in any way complain about this weekend because generally it was lovely. The staff there are very kind and attentive and the shows have been good. I didn’t get any Wispas but show manager Kimberley did leave out some Rockys. I like them. What a shame that the town itself is….well, I think I’ve said it before.
Here’s to the next 100 blogs and thank you very, very much for your time. I’ve got LOADS of gigs this week so I should be very angry indeed. Stay tuned.