Last night was the second of the Christmas shows in
I'm now sick of God. Two nights ago I was having a drink with the very bubbly Ron Vaudry who started talking about religion. I agreed with him that it's not only ridiculous but that it's also a very socially dangerous thing. I thought cheery Ron and I were on the same page but then he started to say things like "You see, Jesus was a philosopher", which made something in my mind scream it's head off. Its 2008, everyone. Don't you think that believing in this on any level has now gone well beyond the patience of rational, forward thinking people? Jesus wasn't a philosopher because Jesus never existed. Never. Ever. Just like Moses and Allah and Thor and Spock never existed. The very fact that in 2008 this STILL has to be pointed out to people is terrifying to me. We wait until unspeakable horror happens, like a bomb going off, before we arrest people who are doing things in the name of their god but why? Why wait. Anyone going into any church, synagogue, mosque or Games Workshop should immediately be arrested for living inside a daydream. At the very least put the fucking nutters in an asylum. What's the difference between people who go around wearing plastic bags and claiming that this is "their" train station and someone who goes around wearing a small dead man nailed to wood and worshipping a universe inventing ghost? I tell you what the difference is, if that first guy sorted himself out a bit then maybe he COULD own that train station and yet he's the one who'll be carted off to the funny farm first. And the funny farm isn't even a very funny farm. There's no cows slipping on banana skins or pigs calling other pigs "gay boy", it's a series of injections and electrotherapy mixed with brightly coloured pills and Melody FM. So, basically, my new year's resolution, which is starting today, is to argue with anyone who even so much as looks like they might be religious. They had the last several thousand years, they fucked it up because they can't grow up. Don't you think it's the turn of the people who don't believe in magic? And if you are religious just have a think for a minute. Think about it. How can what you believe really exist? Just think about it for a while and I'm convinced you'll come to the conclusion that it can't exist, I'm sure of it because you're a lot smarter than you think. Anyway, that was all Ron Vaudry's fault, the joyful bastard.
On the same day as my religious experience I travelled upon a National Express coach, surely all the proof we need that there is no God. It was cramped, it was smelly and everyone on it looked odd. It was like they hadn't quite formed yet. The worst one was the driver who had tattoos of skulls on fire and a woman with blood coming out of her tit on one arm and on the other just one that said I Miss You, Mum. What a tribute. She must have been lovely. Not only did he look bizarre but he sang the whole fucking way to
I have watched everything that I brought with me. I've watched all of series four of Doctor Who (which is fantastic but bookended with the two worst episodes ever made), Superbad and Doctor No. This means I have nothing to do, which means I will have to venture out into
Johnny Candon says Hi.