OooooOOOooooOooooh, dear reader. Welcome to the unknown. I have seen YOUR future. Now let me reveal what the next 7 days have in store for you in Your Tworoscope....
ARIES: Things improve at work now that the fire brigade have arrived. Your 3rd degree burns grab attention from sexy doctors.
TAURUS: You win the lottery in your mind and dream of the mansion you live in and speedboat you shag in while wanking in your sleeping bag.
GEMINI: A new haircut gives you a lift, sadly so does a serial killer. Your funeral is tragically joyous on Monday.
CANCER: You've had a terrible innings.
LEO: You get sad that all you have to drink is Mr. Sheen and cry when you realise you quite like it. Your shoes are filthy.
VIRGO: You had no idea how unpopular you are until right now. Are people talking behind your back? You're thinking that now.
LIBRA: Your sister leaves you for another sibling and you're left to pick up the bills. Kick her head in.
SCORPIO: A recent bereavement gives you a fit of the giggles. Romance, employment and travel only happen to other people.
SAGITTARIUS & CAPRICORN: Wankers.
AQUARIUS: Your boss gives you more free time and no money. A liaison with a stranger leads to love between him and your Dad.
PISCES: You always say that running away from problems solves nothing, sadly your problem is a rhino. Konnie Huq blocks you on Twitter.
And that's your week, fellow mystic. Perhaps I will see you again....IN THE FUTURE!
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