Tuesday, 16 April 2013
I am a dickhead. An unbelievable dickhead. You know that really stupid person you know? That person is Professor Brainy McUniversitychallenge compared to me. I am constantly amazed at my lack of knowledge but then there are those times, those phenomenal times, when something so simple and straightforward just passes me by. On Thursday, I walked out of the tube station and it hit me: I just realised what those "Baby On Board" badges mean.
I never got it until just now. I just saw them for sale in the Transport Museum and thought they were a tourist thing. And I hated every tourist who wore one. I'd see them all the time on the tube. Standing there, sweating and looking flustered and red-faced. God, I hated them. I used to sit there on the train looking at these tourists with their stupid "Baby On Board" badges and just seethe. They made NO SENSE. It has a London Underground sign on it. It doesn't work. "Baby On Board" signs go on cars, not trains. It's a stupid tourist joke that tourists find funny and IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. I must have seen people wearing those badges a thousand times and on each and every occasion I hated them with every fibre of my being and wished I could destroy their heads with my mind. A THOUSAND TIMES.
Yes, so that means that I have basically loathed 1000 pregnant women for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. And I've watched them stand. I have never, ever offered my seat to someone wearing a "Baby On Board" badge. I have sat there and judged them and damned them. Like a big, thick fucking idiot. There I was thinking I've simply been hating a thousand tourists when really I've been hating a thousand pregnant women and AT LEAST a thousand babies. All that time I'd been hating for two.
But you know what? Fuck them. Here's a badge idea: "I Am Pregnant". There. That's pretty fucking clear, isn't it? You must KNOW that there are thick people out there (I'm one of them. Hi.) so why put the life of your child at risk because you wanted to be cute and very mildly amusing? "How did you lose your baby?" "Unclear badge". "You fucking bastard". DO YOU WANT THAT CONVERSATION TO HAPPEN TO YOU IN REAL LIFE? No.
Look. I'm out there. Walking around and being incredibly unintelligent. There may or may not be people just as stupid as me out there too. Children are our future? Then fucking sort your badges out.
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