Scared And Not Heard.

Thank the Lord for Insane Mums. They know how to keep order. Unruly children on trains can be really annoying but luckily I was in the Insane Mum Carriage on my way to Glasgow and the bedlam was cut short. It's amazing. None of that "talking to your children" or "keeping your child entertained or busy" crap. Just a simple screaming fit and a few threats and the child was quiet. Quiet and frozen in fear.

The train, as always, was full of pricks and awful. For the first hour, a child behind me kept playing his Electric Gameboy Machine very loudly even though his pissy Liberal parents kept asking him to put it on mute. He said he would IN A MINUTE but that minute never came. You might wonder why I didn't take it off him and shove it down his horrible, rude throat. Well, the answer is simple. He was far from the most annoying on the train. The noise that little brat was making was nothing compared to AN HOUR of horsey laughter and cheering from four men sitting near me who kept on reciting Numberwang. FOR A FUCKING HOUR. I mean of all the sketches in the world to recite why did they pick that one? I was trying to read through the script for Gutted (I am a musical actor now) and all I could hear was THAT'S NUMBERWANG! HAW HAW HAAAAWWW! NUMBERWANG! HAW HAW HAAAAWWWW!!! 38! 26! 11! HAW HAW HAAAAAWWWWWW!!! 87!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!! THAT'S NUMBERWANG!!!!

Cunts.

They got off the train, the pissy liberal parents, the horrible child and the haw-haws, and I felt a lot better. For about 8 minutes. Two girls walked past me and I clearly heard one say "By then my fanny was damaged". I felt sad.

Then, at Newcastle, a couple of women got on with their kids. The kids were fine for the first hour or so but they got bored. Their Mums hadn't brought something with them to keep them amused and, as their Mums seemed interested only in talking loudly at one another, they decided to go and find something to do. This meant running up and down the aisle of the carriage while screaming. It still wasn't as annoying as Numberwang but it was rapidly getting on my nerves. Then they started swinging on the arms of their seats. The Mums didn't care about the running up and down bit because they didn't really see it and therefore it couldn't have anything to do with them. But now the kids were right beside them swinging on their seats and laughing and being children. This was interrupting the Mums very loud conversation and that would not do.

"FUCKING SIT DOWN. FUCK'S SAKE. YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE", exclaimed one mother to her small child.

The child laughed and continued swinging on the seat. This only encouraged Mummy to open her heart to her offspring again. "I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO FUCKING SIT DOWN. I'LL SMACK YOU".

That was horrible enough but the other Mum topped her by turning to her own daughter and declaring "I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS, LEANNE".

After that the train was a lot quieter. No kids running around and even the Mums themselves were quiet. They had terrified everyone into shutting up and it looked like they had even scared themselves. Surely that is the best way to talk to your children. Shout at them and threaten them with violence and they will be quiet. Perfect. No way is that going to come out negatively in later life.

I don't know these people so maybe I shouldn't judge even though what I saw could never be justified. I say I don't know them, I definitely know two things about one of them. Firstly, I know she is bad with children and secondly I know that she knows either four or five people. Two of her tattoos said "Paul" but the other three had different names. It could be the same Paul or two different ones. I didn't ask as I didn't want to end up with my legs broken.

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