I've been wearing a grey t-shirt a lot lately. If you've seen me in the last couple of weeks you may have noticed me wearing a grey t-shirt. It has a picture of a heart and a fox on it and it publicises the fantastic musician Tim Ten Yen. If you know me at all then you will know my very limited wardrobe so this grey t-shirt will be brand new to you. And you would be forgiven for thinking that it's pretty new to me too. But it's not. I've had it for two years but, up until now, have been too generous with my size for it to fit me. Now I wear it all the time. I mean pretty much every day and constantly. Even while sleeping. I wear this grey, Tim Ten Yen t-shirt every day because I finally can and I finally can because I've invented a brand new diet plan that works. I call it Being Drunk All The Time.
BDATT works by blindly destroying yourself over a surprisingly short space of time. I have a beer for breakfast, a beer for lunch and a proper session in the evening. The weight just drops off. No need for tasteless food or exercising, BDATT, when used with nothing whatsoever, can genuinely work for YOU. Sure, I might stink and my sentences are all in the fuck bunch not making sense tree-bags anymore but it's a small price to pay for looking and feeling great. I bought that grey t-shirt for a reason: so that I could wear it. And now that I can wear it I'm never, ever going to take it off ever. I've worked too hard.
I have, of course, done nothing. I have no idea why this t-shirt now fits me but I do like what it's done to my fractured mind. I definitely am not eating less or exercising more but this t-shirt now fits me and it's much more likely that the t-shirt itself has somehow grown instead of me shrinking. That's not the case in my head, however. In my head I am telling myself that I look great these days. If I wear this t-shirt then everyone will be impressed by how much weight I've lost and how healthy I look. They will all find me more attractive. Fitter, leaner, sexier. If I wear this grey t-shirt then the world will want to fuck me so, therefore, I must wear it every day. Yes, it is dirty and smelly and mostly damp and sticky now but if I take it off then I will just go back to being dull, ordinary, awkward Peter Parker instead of strutting my sweet, sweet ass and gettin' freak-ayy as Batman. Yes, not only does this t-shirt help me re-write history but I can now re-write fiction too. I love you, stinking grey t-shirt.
Thanks to this grey t-shirt my standing in the world has changed so much. Not only does my head think that I'm thinner, it thinks I'm younger too. Don't be surprised if you see me hosting T4 or letting everyone down on BBC3 or throwing out "topical" "news-based" comedy on Stand Up For The Week. Honestly, if they mention George Michael getting arrested this week it will just be a coincidence that he actually did get arrested. They've just got some jokes from his second arrest to SLAM you with. And that section "This Week On The Web"? You can't do topical stuff on the internet. The internet is an archive system. That's like INSERT FAMOUS PERSON WHO WAS IN THE NEWS SIX WEEKS AGO having a SOMETHING THAT FAMOUS PERSON IS UNLIKELY TO HAVE.
Yep, it's all going my teenage, skinny way these days. Thanks to good old grey t-shirt. Bennett Arron is performing a preview show at The Phoenix tonight and I'm going along to watch. Poor guy will find it hard to get focus from the ladies in the audience if I'm there with my grey t-shirt on. Ha ha ha. Poor Bennett.
SOME CUNT HAS PUT IT IN THE WASH. I'm staying in.