I can completely relate to Raoul Moat. We are both nervous about doing something that we shouldn't have. We are both waiting to be discovered. And we have both committed horrible crimes. Admittedly, his was murder and mine is just not being able to sing but, other than that, we are exactly the same. The whole country is looking for him like some sort of Evil Maddie and, soon, I too will have all eyes gazing on me for this August I will be the starring in a musical.
It's the most exciting thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. The musical is Gutted and it's written by Danielle Ward and Martin White and, despite that, it's great. In Gutted I play the title role of "Vicar", a mysteriously beautiful hero figure who is the multi-millionaire boss of a church and, when not on a speedboat with a machine gun, slams one bad-ass mutha of a wedding service right into the faces of the happy couple. There are some other people in the musical too but I have barely noticed them so wrapped up in the role have I become. What I like about the rest of the cast (one of them is called Jim, I think) is that they have all just stepped back and let me lead the show. It's pretty obvious that when it comes to musical theatre that I am a complete natural and it must be quite frustrating for some of them who have trained for years and have a lot of experience and yet are still utterly and embarrassingly shit. Danielle and Martin wrote the role especially for me but they must have been really nervous to ask me in case I said no like the other people had but I just knew that this was a project that I could save. I can see it now: Opening night, the press is there, a single spotlight shines on my face as I sing the opening ballad, "There Are No Whoopsies In Heaven", and then BOOM! The word VICAR in lights behind me as I lead the cast, and the whole room, into the "Sexual Lunch/Love Island/Christ, Women Don't Shut Up" medley and a star is born. The room will rise to it's feet and applause will fill the air. The rest of the cast (maybe I'm wrong about Jim, I think he's called John or something) will be gracious and let me have my moment. They might be going back to their little studio flats for Pot Noodle and suicide but they know they cannot stand in my way. The West End, Broadway, Vegas, The fucking Moon. I'll be everywhere, baby. You won't be able to watch a chat show without me being on it. There won't be an awards ceremony that I'm not invited to. And, like Raoul, the papers will want to know all about my latest hair-do. Perhaps we should say goodbye now, dear reader. I'm the next big thing whether you don't like it or hate it.
And this is me. Today was my first rehearsal and I was terrified. I can't sing so the last thing I should be in is a musical but, as no-one has told me to fuck off, I'm sticking with it. Of course, I'm sticking with it. It's just brilliant. We did a warm-up which involved stretching, doing the splits, touching my toes and crying then it was straight to the opening number. You will all be glad to know that Colin Hoult licks my face everyday and then hits me in the face with a woman. It's how Judy Garland started. Or ended up, I can't remember. All I can say is that it's definitely a funny show and it's going to be fun working with very lovely people (Christ, 5 minutes in and already I'm acting the Lovey). Plus Chris George, the director, gave me the best advice on acting and, indeed, life. He said something that I think we can all use. He said "Michael, you just stand there until you get hit". He's right. I do do that a lot.
There are two previews of Gutted at the Riverside Studios (where they filmed a lot of Hartnell/Troughton Dr. Who's) on the 26th and 27th July then it's off to The Assembly Rooms in Edinburgh from the 6th August. Just to let you know how excited I am, the first thing I did after the rehearsal today was phone my Mum. I am a total tough hard comedian who shouts at people and fixes toilets with his bare hands. I DO NOT phone my Mum to tell her how the musical rehearsals are going. It's a joy.
www.michaellegge.info
No comments:
Post a Comment