I watched Doctor who, the TV programme that I am married to and having sex with, on Saturday night in full knowledge that James Corden, the biggest cunt in the entire world, was in it. It was a depressing day, anyway. I was away from home and stuck in a hotel trying to get over my phlegmy illness and was feeling very sorry for myself. Playing four Metallica albums in a row while just lying there doesn't cure anything, by the way, so don't try that. But soon Doctor Who would be on. My beloved Doctor Who with the best Doctor since Peter Davison and the best companion pretty much ever and...and...and cunting fucking bastarding James fucking Corden.
And he was really good.
It was the first episode in a while that I completely enjoyed (the ending was pretty crap but I forgave it) and Corden was so good in it that I forgot that he wasn't the most horrible person currently working in television. He's a really good actor and I'm surprised that he hasn't thought of doing acting before now instead of going on TV, pointing at his stomach and collecting a cheque.
Of course he's a good actor. He would never have got a foot in the door if he wasn't at least OK at acting. I mean, there's no way that he has got where he is today on personality. And that is pretty much all the James Corden that I know. I've never seen Gavin & Stacey and I know that I never will. It's just not for me. The few clips I've seen scream twee and the title alone puts me off. So all I have to judge Corden on is his sketch show, Horne & Corden, and his forced personality. If he has this acting talent, why on earth is he behaving like such an arsehole in front of cameras? Does he have THAT little amount of faith in himself? Is he still THAT worried that the bullies that surely pushed him around every single biscuit-eating day of his schooldays are going to come back and get him? I mean, he's a good and successful actor. He's won. He's had the last laugh. But that's the problem, his laugh his vicious, cold and terrified.
Patrick Stewart made a bit of a tit out of himself at the recent Glamour Magazine awards by telling Corden off in front of everyone. Picard was obviously a bit drunk and his "joke" about Corden's fat belly fell flat but that's OK because he's Patrick Stewart. He's been a successful, acclaimed and, most importantly, loved actor for decades. He's allowed to fuck up once. He's earned it. But Corden? Well, Corden ONLY fucks up. That's what he does for a living. He is a professional, hard-working, money-making fuck up. His sketch show was such an egotistical car crash that the only laughs it got were from it's many, many terrible reviews, his football coverage seems to consist of him him going "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" while doing a series of obscene hand gestures and he confidently defines himself by his gut, displaying it at every opportunity. That's why his reaction to what Patrick Stewart said is just baffling. Patrick Stewart basically did every single joke that James Corden has ever written and condensed it to five words. And how did he react? Like James Corden. Not like James Corden, the talented actor. No. Just like James Corden.
He put his face viciously right up against the face of a 70 year old man and repeated "Go on" at him. You know, just the bullies at school had done. That's how he's taken his triumph and his success. To try and be more like the people he is afraid of. He then proved what a hilarious comedian he is by, you guessed it, showing his belly. Sigh...
You'd think if he had a friend one of them might have a word with him. Maybe say something like, you're a really good actor and people must ask you to be in things all the time. Why don't you do more of that? I mean it's great that you're number one in the singles chart but it's just you hanging around with a load of big lads going "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" and doing the Wanker hand gesture. I saw you in Doctor Who and I just think you're better suited to something like that. You gave the role a lot of weight. Yes, I thought you'd like that but seriously, you made the character really likeable and considering you're James Corden that must have been very difficult. But obviously not. You're just that good. I really look forward to seeing you acting in something else very soon. It must be so good to have that amount of talent and to have so many opportunities to use that talent. Be a shame if that was wasted.
So, to cut a long story short, I'm a big fan of James Corden the talented actor and I never thought I'd ever say that.
Thanks to Cripesonfriday for donating pictures from his private collection.
The worst thing that's ever happened.