Saturday, 22 May 2010

On Your Bike.

I had a good day yesterday. I realise that that very statement ruins the ethics and morals of this blog but it can’t just be ignored. The weather was great, I got work done, I had a couple of drinks. It was a great day.

Of course, I’m loyal to the blog so I did try to have a horrible day. I woke up at 7, that should have ruined everything but the sun coming through the curtains felt so good that it made me want to spring out of bed. You know, like a cheery cunt that you hate. I went downstairs and Jerk was wagging her tail and seemed so happy to see me that I thought I’d take her for a walk right there and then. Well, not right there. I took her to the park instead. Even at 7.30am the sun felt warm and beautiful and the sight of the Lewisham Parakeets flying, playing and fucking only brought added joy to this old, jaded serial killer-in-waiting.

But you never know, I could meet my new enemy: Cycling Prick.

I met Cycling Prick just a few days ago in the park. Again it was really early in the morning and the last thing I needed at that crap, crap hour was rudeness. Luckily, cyclists and their eco-saving egos come with bodybags full of rudeness.

Normally, I get out of the way of bicycles. I don’t really like the idea of the front wheel of a 10-speed ending up in my arsehole. It was just how I was brought up. Strict Catholic, you see. That arsehole isn’t for bicycles, young man, I was told. That’s the Pope’s arsehole. Anyway, that’s not the point. Like I say, normally I get out of the way of bicycles but not when the prick on the bicycle is rude. A simple ding ding of the bell is enough of a gentle alert to make me want to stand aside for the oncoming bike. “COMING THROUGH!” is not an acceptable equivalent.

That’s what Cycling Prick shouted. “COMING THROUGH!” Like he was in any way important. Like the world better just stand to one side because Cycling Prick is here cutting down Co2 emissions and raising people’s blood pressure wherever he goes. Well, fuck Cycling Prick. Cycling Prick is a prick.

As he cycled past I said “Did you mean ‘Excuse me?’”

He screeched to a stop (pathetically) and aggressively said “What was that?”

Two can play at the first thing in the morning aggression thing. “You heard what I said”, I replied. “Is that your way of saying excuse me?”

“Look I could have run into you. I could have run into your dog”.

“Yes. Or you could have slowed right down so once you got near to us you could say excuse me instead of speeding up and shouting COMING THROUGH at me”.

“Well, maybe next time I’ll just hit you”, he said with a very smug look on his pointy, aerodynamic face.

“Or maybe next time I’ll hit you”, I said.

Now we were both in a difficult situation. We had both been aggressive and neither of us had had breakfast yet. One of us had to be a man and give in. Luckily, he’s a man and he gave in. He cycled off and I carried on walking. I didn’t feel like I’d bloody shown him. It was too early for that. It took me ages to realise that I’d almost started a fight. Even Jeremy Kyle’s Dickhead Farm hasn’t opened for fighting yet. And soon Cycling Prick was returning. Now, I don’t know why he decided to cycle past me again. It looked like he had been rushing to work earlier but maybe he had come back because he left something at home. Or maybe, and I’m just saying maybe, he had decided to give aggressive sarcasm another try. “Excuse me”, he said horribly as he passed.

“SEE? YOU’RE LEARNING”, I shouted happily.

He cycled on. He looked pretty frustrated but he cycled on. OK, I admit it. I felt I had bloody shown him by now.

So I looked for him yesterday in the hope that I could somehow ruin my lovely day and maybe write a better blog but he never appeared. You know what? Even if he had been there, he could not have ruined yesterday for me. I went home and finished off a bit of Los Quattros Cvnts writing (June 2nd, The Phoenix with special guest Richard Herring) and then did gardening like a daddy does. I sat in (what felt like) my new garden reading and saying hello to my new followers on Twitter. Chris Addison was kind enough to give me a plug and his fans obviously think so much of him that I had about 1000 new followers in a couple of hours. And they’re lovely. All full of Hello’s and good cheer. It was a lovely day.

And if I told you what I was up to this weekend you wouldn’t believe me.

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