I was halfway through a blog about loud, drunk women being thrown out of a comedy club but, like The One Show, this blog has been interrupted to bring you this breaking opinion.
Yep, that's my thoughts on it. Balls. I pretty much knew that David Cameron would get in well before election day but what I didn't know was that I would end up voting for him. I am incredibly disillusioned by the Labour party, even though I think Gordon Brown is a much better politician than most, and I would never ever even think about voting Tory. It's just in my bones and blood. You DON'T vote Tory. They are evil. The other two main parties might be wrong but Tories are evil. Ben Elton told me that and he should know. So, as a result, I voted Lib-Dem because I thought Nick Clegg might be the least cunty of the list of cunts that I was offered. Nick Clegg. Stupid, stupid Nick Clegg. The UK's political Anakin Skywalker.
Stirring shit is the main part of any political agenda when it comes to an election and when we had all lost faith in Gordon Brown (Chancellor Valorum) a lot of us believed via bullshit press that there was only one other person we could turn to. No-one else was likely to get in and Nick Clegg, although promising, was just a padawan in a weird organisation that remarkably has lasted as long as it has. These confused and lost people turned to David Cameron (Chancellor Palpatine) which just made anyone watching very upset. I mean WE can see that Cameron is evil, why can't they? That made us RELY on Clegg. He was new, he was naive but he felt he could offer something. When will people take him seriously as a politician? He should have a seat in the Government now. He could bring balance to the country.
So, we were split. Most were supporting Cameron and we knew that Brown was over, out of the race. Maybe, just maybe, Clegg could come along and save the day. He seemed to look to the old ways of the Tories (Darkside) and the old ways of Labour (Jedi, once) and offered an alternative. It was why he got into this in the first place.
But he was young, foolish, reckless. Easily seduced. After the election, it all broke down. Our hopes and Clegg's chances. At the last minute, a lot of us saw what a bad actor he was and he didn't do as well as he thought and that must have made him angry. Soon, we found out that Cameron had summoned Clegg to talk about a coalition (probably in a private box watching a big purple ghost opera) and Clegg dropped to his knees. This way he could save his wife (Padme) from utter political-failure embarrassment and could learn how to use evil for good. Weird, really, as Labour have killed a lot more Sandpeople in recent years.
By then, we who had trusted Clegg could see his orange fiery eyes and felt the betrayal. We are going to have to wait until we land on planet teddy-bear and Cameron and him have a massive fight before he sees the error of his ways.
It's a horrible story and would make a terrible film but it's one that will stay with me for a while. I might be slightly jumping the gun here, and I fear I'm not, but Nick Clegg has made me vote Tory. I voted for someone who said he might have a better way of doing things and now he is telling me that he believed in the thing I hate. I feel like an idiot. A stupid, unforgiving, unforgetting idiot.