Saturday, 4 July 2009


I was surprised at how lovely the park was yesterday. The trees looked lovely, the grass greened at me as I arrived and the sun made the river look like it was constantly winking at me. It was cheery and these things made me very, very happy. To be honest, the thing that made me happiest was the lack of people there. People should be banned from the park because they ruin it. They throw frisbees (grown adults, mind), they "forget" to pick up their "dog's" excrement and they chuck fridges into the river. Honestly, who the fuck could be bothered to throw a fridge in a river? It's not like anyone lives nearby so they have to drag it all the way to the river, lift it over a fence and then chuck it. What happened to the good old British way of just leaving it in the street? I mean, you must really hate your fridge to drag it all the way to a park and heave it into a river. But how do you HATE a fridge? Well, I've thought about it and the only conclusion I can make is that these people fuck their fridge one night, then can't look at it the same way again and MUST get rid of it. I mean, it just sat there and let you fuck it so why would you respect it? That fridge is a WHORE and looking at it only makes you feel sicker and sicker and sicker. It just sits there faintly buzzing like better wouldn't melt (which, if it's working properly, it wouldn't). And when you're out you dread coming home because you know that slag will just be waiting there for you to use it again. Forget it, love, you think, I wouldn't put my bottle of milk in you to clean it. And, like all partners in your life, you drag it down to the park and abandon it. You never see ovens in the river, do you? That's because ovens aren't FUCKING DIRTY KITCHEN WHORES.

What was great about being in the park was the fact that the tennis court was actually being used. It was particularly great because Andy Murray was playing the exact same hobby at a tennis court in Wimbledon at the exact same time but his game got on international television for some unfathomable reason. I really admired these people for not sitting at home watching a hobby but actually participating in it. Not that I'm a complete cunt, although I loathe tennis I did actually "want" Andy Murray to win. A lot of people got excited about him and that's good. But he didn't win. He came last in that particular match and even though a lot of people are dissappointed he's probably fine about it. At least now the media will refer to him as Scottish again.

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