Red Blog Day Confidential.

So, what have we learned?

After Sunday/Monday's Red Blog Day I have learned that people are kind and generous. Comic Relief works tirelessly to support some of the poorest and most disadvantaged people in the UK and around the world as it strives towards a just world free from poverty. Not only that, it genuinely inspires people. Not just to put on stupid hats and ask co-workers to give them a quid, it also inspires people to take a look at how good the world could be if we just shared the wealth a bit more equally. I also learned that I'm shit.

Now, it came as a bit of a shock to me. I always thought I was just crap but no, I'm actually shit. I've gone down one full faeces name. Everything I do is a bit scrappy, half-arsed and lazy (I'm really lazy. That description of Comic Relief in the last paragraph? I took that from their website. Only lazy people who are shit steal from a charity's website) but I also thought that was my charm. "Look at the angry man always complaining about things being terrible and yet he can't do any better himself". I thought that's why I'd become one of Britain's most beloved fictional characters and I sort of thought it was a good thing. There is actually a pretty big gulf between being crap (suggesting you could improve) and being shit (hopeless) and yet I seemed to have leapt that gulf with the same amount of effort I put into anything.

I vowed to write a blog for 24 hours (IN A ROW) on Sunday 10th March starting at 8pm. Now, that's quite a feat and I realised that. I also realised that it's not the most demanding thing that a human being can put themselves through. Some people do so much more for charity than that. Mark Watson performed a live show for 25 hours, David Walliams swam the English Channel, Eddie Izzard ran for a year. These are properly huge, exhausting trials to put yourself through but those comedians got through it because they knew they were doing some good. Raising money, helping people, making the world a little less bleak. And that's what I wanted too. I wanted to raise money by sitting in front of my laptop and writing for 24 full hours. With a couple of toilet breaks. And time to make a cup of tea or two. But other than that it was a straight 24 hour marathon writing a continuous blog in aid of Comic Relief. Oh, and I stopped a few times to talk to people who might have been watching the webcam. Actually, I did that quite a lot now that I think about it. But other than toilet breaks, tea breaks and talking to the webcam I worked tirelessly on a mammoth blog to help those in need. And I watched a film. Look, I had to watch a film. I was pissed. You can't expect me to write a blog while I'm drunk. It would be terrible. Also I fell asleep.

I never claimed to be a saint but I thought I could have fairly safely bragged that I was a man. But I'm not. I'm a terrible, soulless, empty...bastard. Who the fuck says they're going raise £1000 for charity and then fucks it off by getting drunk and falling asleep? No man would do that. Therefore, I am not a man. And just in case you think someone couldn't sink any lower, as soon as I woke up I went straight to the kitchen and, IN THE NAME OF FAMINE RELIEF, cooked a huge roast dinner.

It was delicious, if that means anything.

That's what I learned. Comic Relief is the kind of beautiful organisation that any comedian would be proud to support and represent and I am shit. Lenny Henry, Griff Rhys-Jones, Graham Norton, Keith Lemon and so many more present Comic Relief with warmth and respect and give up their night to show Britain that we can all feel better about ourselves. To be quite frank, those people are beneath me.

They are all beneath me because every comedian on TV's Comic Relief marathon always forgets one simple thing every time and that is to be funny. Think back to every Red Nose Day you've ever seen. Has anything been as funny as a man saying he'll raise £1000 for charity and instead just falls asleep pissed? NO. You could have watched me sleeping on the webcam for an hour and a half. Some people did. People said it was hypnotic. Apparently I snore. Friends phoned me to wake me up. Apparently I hung up on them and went back to sleep. FOR CHARITY. Now, that's funny.

I am shit. But people aren't. They're kind and generous. That's what I learned. I'm sure some of you reading this are probably agreeing that I am shit well, know this, I raised over £2,500. I doubled my target and then some. I may be shit but I'd like to see the telly comedians do that AND be funny. Your move, Wossy.

Here's the second funniest thing ever to raise money for Comic Relief:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNq7IZ-sTgI

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