ARIES: Your love life changes this week after Johnny Depp sends you a huge bunch of lawyers. You eat dry pasta for breakfast again.
TAURUS: Someone at work has noticed you. Sadly, it's you and you hate you. Wait until everyone leaves and smash your own face in.
GEMINI: You're being talked about! But not in a good way. In Klingon. That's right, you're boyfriend is a twat.
CANCER: Bills, bills, bills. Also, cancer.
LEO: You're a hair sign aligned with the planet Hollywood. You can barely look at your wife knowing how bad your broadband provider is.
VIRGO: Pot the reds and screw back for the yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black.
LIBRA: You put your career on hold to enjoy some low quality cider. A promise from a tall, dark bailiff becomes reality.
SCORPIO: Not doing up the fly of your Ewok costume ruins your daughter's 7th birthday party. You eat a whole thing of Haribo.
SAGITARIUS & CAPRICORN: Absolute wankers.
AQUARIUS: You've started shouting when those Kevin Bacon ads come on. Tuesday is emotional when you discover your soul mate is a creme egg.
PISCES: Sex with your partner is awful but the break up row afterwards is always so good. Your car makes you look fat.
And that is Your Tworoscope for this week. Perhaps I will see you all again...IN THE FUTURE!
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