Friday, 15 February 2013

For The Easily Offended.

Liam Gallagher tells teen fan: 'You'll like the new Beady Eye album if you're into drugs'.

Why would you read any further into this blog with THAT as an opening sentence? It was on the NME's website and I was so offended that I decided to never click on the story itself. It's just so incredibly offensive. How irresponsible can anyone be? Imagine turning to a young person, someone who's life has just begun and they naively think that this world holds only hope and opportunity, and basically saying to them "I know my entire career is shit and worthless but if you say anything that's even slightly controversial then dickheads at the NME will think you're worthy of something vaguely above stale plankton piss". Of course you'll like the new Beady Eye album if you're into drugs. ANYTHING that takes you further away from a Beady Eye album is a truly wonderful thing and should be embraced. I would almost have no problem with the Beady Eye album at all if I was in a highly powered cannon that was pointed directly at a black hole. And if I had a daughter I know I'd be so much more proud of her if she came home with coke-bloodied nostrils and a needle in her clitoris than a Beady Eye tape (do they still do tapes? Beady Eye will. The pricks). 

Was that a bit much? Well, don't worry. You don't need to read any further. That's the great thing about being offended by things. You can just ignore it. That's one of the many reasons that I like and respect Frankie Boyle. On Twitter, if anyone offends him at all he simply blocks them. I think that's admirable. Why be offended? You don't need to be. So just block any offensive people. He's blocked me and God knows I've wanted to do that often enough. He's also blocked Mark Watson and Richard Herring. Comedians who have all offended him. Once I noticed this I then found so many other people who had been blocked by Frankie Boyle. Not just a few people. I'm talking dozens of people. Which probably means that there are hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds of people blocked by Frankie Boyle and quite right too. If you're offensive then people have every right to ignore you. To block you. To forget you even exist. Which then begs the question: How the fuck do you OFFEND Frankie Boyle?

I've been slightly obsessed with people taking offence since I went back to Northern Ireland for a month. It seems that people love being offended. It is their porn and they can wank about it anywhere they want. I've never understood people being offended by anything written in the Daily Mail. I find it far more offensive that these people have read the Daily Mail and are then tweeting links to the offending article and therefore giving the Daily Mail's website more hits and making it more successful. YOU KNOW THE DAILY MAIL IS TERRIBLE. WHY ARE YOU READING IT? Reading the Daily Mail and being offended is like licking a turd and complaining about the taste. You KNEW that. You actually went out of your way to gross yourself out and there can only be one reason for that. You like it.

Today the offence lovers are offended and loud about the front page of another newspaper. I see their point. That newspaper should not have printed a picture of a woman posing in a bikini the day after she was murdered. It was horrible. Equally, no one should have seen it. Well, not the people I follow on Twitter anyway. Why are they looking at the front page of this newspaper that THEY KNOW is vile? Plus...what point are the offence lovers actually making? She was a swimwear model. There are thousands of photos of her wearing bikinis. That's what she chose to do for a living and, by all accounts, she was proud of the photos taken of her. Do you know what I find offensive? All the shouting and pointing and being righteous about a photograph printed in a newspaper famous only for being despicable is a great way of advertising the brand of that newspaper and it takes us further away from what actually happened. Don't offence lovers put offence in some sort of order or are they simply offended by the latest piece of offence? Surely in this whole story, if you're going to be offended, it's the horror of a woman's murder...the fact that the media gave her full name as FAMOUS MAN'S GIRLFRIEND all day...a photo appears of her at work on the front page of a newspaper that spreads hate. Hitler killed his dog but I still don't think it's the worst thing he's ever done. 

It's very simple. We don't know what's happened in this murder case yet but surely it's not really about us being offended? Maybe a bit of sympathy is in order before we start screaming about that newspaper. I know the offence lovers simply want the rest of us to know how bright and shiny their moral compass is but they can shut the fuck up because this isn't about them. Offended by THAT newspaper? Jesus Christ. You CANNOT be offended by THAT newspaper because it's THAT newspaper. Why can't you ignore it and stop giving it publicity? Why can't you block it? Why can't you be more like Frankie Boyle and write for THAT newspaper?

Bad example. And then there's Derek.

The way offence lovers drool over the latest piece of outrage that they've crawled through a sewer to find makes me sick. So why do I keep watching Derek? RICKY GERVAIS IS PRETENDING TO BE JOEY DEACON FOR MONEY. How the fuck is this allowed? How did this get made? Why have I not missed a single episode? Every single time I think that it can't get any worse I'm proven wrong. HA HA HA HA!!! He's a man with a disability. HA HA HA!! They let a drunk come in and fuck the old women. HA HA HA HA!!! That man wears a funny wig.

He's having a breakdown, isn't he? Ricky Gervais is having a fucking nervous breakdown. My mouth remains wide open throughout every second of every episode like offence was food and I just want him to keep spoon feeding me. And he does. My favourite bit was the end of episode one when Derek was asked if he wanted to be tested for autism. His response was "if I have it, will I die? (No.) If I have it will I be a different person? (No). Well, just leave it then". YAY! Good old Derek. Good for him for telling that stuffy old medical professional where to stick his autism diagnosis. I mean who wants proper care anyway? Actually, my favourite bit might be episode two with it's 17 minute long montage of a man with a disability getting pissed. NO! I know what it is. It's the piano music. The sad, sad piano music that gets played every time an old lady dies or a poor teenager gets told she's good at something or when one of the other cast members (WHO ARE BRILLIANT, BY THE WAY) talks about how Derek is the loveliest, kindest, sweetest person in the world. You just KNOW that Gervais writes every word of this script with his own cum. It's the most utterly offensive thing on television and that's fine because I can just switch it off. But I don't. I record every episode and I watch them all.

I'm as bad as you.

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Gareth Edwards said...

Brilliant Blog! I love Derek too; "Is he 'avin a laugh? IS HE 'AVIN A LAUGH?!" Great stuff.

Anonymous said...

I agree with this, in essence, but not the bit about the public outcry. Public outcrys are often good. You don't need to look as far back as the Zapatista rebels' first outcry - but as recently as the debate about gun-laws in America....
Okay, it turns out that I DON'T agree with this. Asking how can one be offended by THAT newspaper, is tantamount to asking how can one be offended by Beverley Allitt, isn't it? I don't have a baby, but that doesn't mean I'm not upset when I see they're being murdered in their cots. (The Sun isn't quite that bad, but it's not miles off.)
Stop watching Derek. It's shit.