I am too good for this world. In 36 days time I will be putting my mind and body to the ultimate test, a gruelling marathon that will exhaust, punish and perhaps even kill me. Unlike wimps who run pathetic actual marathons or climb mountains or swim the channel, there is no preperation for what I'm about to go through in just over one month. I could try to train but that might damage me too and this is a hellish task that I intend to complete. Whether I'm the same man at the end of it remains to be seen. I won't lie to you, I'm scared. My demeanour is not built for challenges such as this but isn't that why all atheletes do what they do? They want to take the pain to the next level. In this way, I am pretty much on a par with Carl Lewis, Muhammad Ali and Tim Henman all rolled in to one. In 36 days time I will be watching Mrs. Brown's Boys - Live.
Dan Tetsell and Margaret Cabourn-Smith, after reading my moving blog detailing my utter loathing of Mrs. Brown's Fucking Stupid Bastard Boys, decided that it would be funny if they bought me a ticket to see the stage version of the show live at the Hammersmith Apollo on the 15th of June completely on my own. Of course, they're right. It is funny. I just wish that I'd thought of it and bought the ticket for someone else. Dan or Margaret perhaps? Unbelievably, tickets for this event are actually quite hard to come by. Since I revealed that my friends have stabbed me in the back by buying me a ticket, people on Twitter have been writing to me to say how jealous they are that I'm going and they aren't. Presumably these are the same people who see car accidents and shout "Jammy sod".
Of course, I could have been less of a man about it and just chucked the ticket in the bin but I'm better than that. I'm the fucking greatest. Here's the plan: On the 15th of June I will pop round to the home of Dan, Margaret and their rude, rude child and I will give them a bottle of quality champagne. I will drink none of it because, throughout the entire show, I WILL REMAIN COMPLETELY SOBER. Not only do I want to take in every horrible aspect of this insult to all five senses but I want to sit there in the full knowledge that Dan and Margaret are enjoying some booze on my account. I will record a short Soundcloud podcast just before I go in as well as one during the interval and, of course, when the whole sorry abortion is over.
Then, and only then, will I drink my sorrows away. I'm encouraging my friends to be standing outside the venue when I finally stumble out of it. They will wrap me in a foil blanket and give me hot soup, something to get my strength back. Paula Radcliffe crying as she crosses the finishing line will be nothing compared to the red-eyed, watery, snot-dripping mess that I will be at the end of that two and a half hour unneccessary persecution. So typical of me to do this for other people's benefit and not my own. I am a saint.
This is where you come in. I am sitting through a two and a half hour stage version of Mrs. Brown's Boys and I would like you to sponsor me. All atheletes need sponsorship and I'm no different. You can sponsor me by the minute, by the half hour, whatever you want... just give us the money. Please donate to show support for my struggle and that of Paul Chambers, the victim of our ridiculous legal system who lost his job and had to pay legal fees just because he made a poor quality joke on Twitter. If that's the case, why isn't Tiernan Douieb in solitary confinement for life? It's not fair. Please sponsor me by going to this link and donating to @TwJokeTrialFund: http://tinyurl.com/27ucjsb
Remember, every penny you give is another 1p you've spent on saying you hate Mrs. Brown's Boys. Yeah, and that fund gets some money too, I suppose. This is a VERY important thing so I fully expect you to spread the word and get people donating. I want AT LEAST £1000 by the end of the night of the 15th June, but you can start donating now. Just tweet me afterwards and I will make sure everyone knows that you have taken a stand against this monster of a show and...er, yeah...stood up for human rights and shit. It's going to be a big, long, horrible night, my friends, an I am very, very scared.
I mean, what if I like it. To be fair, I think it's impressive to get such a good review from Liverpool: http://venues.meanfiddler.com/apollo/full-listings/featured/3640