Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Bad Taste.

My growing lack of knowledge is really starting to upset me. I don't know how something that's lacking can grow but that's just typical of me, you see. Thick. I don't know where Strasbourg is, I don't know how or if wasps fuck and I don't know where you cut the umbilical cord. Not that I'm intending cutting any umbilical cords but say I HAD to cut one, I wouldn't know where to start. I could cut a baby's head off. My total lack of knowledge is a danger to society. Is it at the baby's belly button? That seems right. What seems wrong is that I'm 42 and have no idea where the cut-off is in the umbilical cord. I used to have an umbilical cord, for fuck's sake.

I wish I was joking when I said my abundance of ignorance is taking up my every waking moment. I'm not. A few night's ago I lay awake because I couldn't figure out where concrete came from. WHERE DOES CONCRETE COME FROM? I mean, it's everywhere. I must know where it comes from. Is cement and concrete the same thing? I'm not sure. No. I'm sure I don't know. That thought took me up to at least 3am. The next day was taken up by circumcision. Obviously, I know that it's a religious thing but why does circumcision happen? I also know that pretty much everyone I know knows that it's a religious thing because when I've asked "What is the point of circumcision?" the response is always "It's a religious thing". THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER. In what way is it a religious thing? What does it represent? If it's a religious thing, aren't you just admitting that God made a mistake? Why not wait until the person being circumcised is old enough to say "You know what? I really want to be circumcised"? Then slap him and remind him he's talking about his cock. I understand that if you have a medical condition then circumcision could be the answer and I have known for a very long time that circumcision is a religious thing (although there is no such thing as a religious baby. If you can't control your bowels, why would God be interested in you?) but why don't I know WHY it's a religious thing? And why doesn't anyone else? Why do we just accept circumcision and cement and Strasbourg and wasps without knowing really what they are? And what's the deal with airline food?

Worrying about all this has been a...well, a worry. But insult was added to injury the other day and I've come to the conclusion that instead of thinking about why I don't know things, I've got to actively find out the facts myself. I've written about this before but here it goes again: To Muki, everything that once contained something is a bag. Freezer bags, sandwich boxes, egg shells. These are all bags to my wife and therefore end up in our bag bag. I use the bag bag twice a day. I take bags from the bag bag to pick up Jerk's poo in the park. Sometimes the non-bags in the bag bag are easy to spot: an envelope is NOT a bag. But others can slip through my radar. So, Jerk pooed and I took a "bag" out of my pocket to pick it up. It wasn't a bag. It was, at best, a bit of cling film. Brilliant. I picked up the poo but only after getting shit all over my hand. Obviously, it's my little princess's shit so I'm not bothered too much. The public loos are right there, they open at 10 am and it's 10.20 so I can wash my hands and it'll all be fine.

The loos aren't open yet.

Why would they be? Fucking hell. I'll just walk Jerk for an hour and when I get home I'll wash my hands. All I have to do for the next 60 minutes is not touch anything. I wiped most of the poo on a tree (sorry, tree) but still had traces, streaks even, of it on my hand. During the next hour my head filled with all the circumcision/concrete/umbilical cord thoughts that have been annoying me all week. What I'm saying is, I started thinking and when I think I forget. How can someone forget they have animal excrement on their hands? I have three words for you: CIRCUMCISION CONCRETE UMBILICALCORD. I got home, took Jerk off her lead and switched on my laptop. I printed out some documents to look over. There were quite a few of them so I had to sort this bunch of paper out, put them in the right order. That's when I licked my thumb.

Yep. That's me. The man that knows nothing but the taste of his own dog's anus.

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@alnapp said...

FWIW from (very) personal experience, Male circumcision is occasionally* required due to a malformed foreskin. Having _had_ to have one I belive that there is no other justifiable reason.

*well, only once for me

Daniel said...

I think circumcision is a religious thing? But seriously, its based on hygiene, I think. Probably to do with avoiding infection. Which was more of a problem in biblical times, when everyone walked around naked and there was sand everywhere. Or something. As for the umbilical chord I have no idea, I'm sure I've seen it cut in the middle on TV and stuff, but that doesn't make sense. So, sorry that probably hasn't helped much.

Rich said...

I cut my own daughter's umbilical cord sixteen years ago. I was so overwhelmed by the experience that I can't remember exactly how far down I cut it. I know the mid-wife clamped it at the base and there was a bit left that turned dark and dry and fell off a few days after.

Becky said...

Circumcision is a religious thing! What other crazy reason could their be for taking your precious little newborn and cutting off bits of its genitalia?!
If I remember rightly somewhere in the old testament moses is on his way to Egypt as god has instructed then god has one of his frequent 'episodes' and decides to kill Moses. Moses' quick thinking wife uses a bit of old rock to cut off their sons foreskin. God is distracted and pleased and decides not only not to kill moses but to insist that every Jewish baby is circumcised from now onwards.
That said loads of other cultures do it for their own weird reasons and modern americans still believe the crazy myth that it is more hygienic and makes penises look pretty (nothing makes penises look pretty not even ribbons).
Unicorns make concrete and umbilical cords are a myth (unicorns are in the bible but umbilical cords not mentioned).

The Slipper said...

Having recently watched Destiny of the Daleks I know about cement and concrete. The Doctor and Romana have a conversation about it when they arrive on Skaro. So there. Don't watch any further though. Unless you want to hear Tom telling Davros to "Spack off!"