Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Lose The Gut.

You really must be careful when you make a decision. You make decisions because things need improving but, if you're anything like me (and you are), your gut reaction takes over well before your brain see's the bigger picture. Your gut rarely improves anything. Our lives are full of these regrettable moments. It's the beginning of January so you think you need to better yourself by joining a gym and you feel happy for a minute and then you realise you've spent a fortune on something you hate and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror wearing shorts and you hate yourself and you hate your awful legs and you hate everyone in the gym because they know how every machine and free-weight works and you're baffled by the skipping rope. Or you feel you deserve better at work and you ask the boss for a raise and he agrees and promotes you and everyone is proud of you and you are happy for a billionth of a nano second because now that you're promoted you realise that you hate your job and your new desk and your new job title and all you've done is leapt another mile away from your dream of being a roadie for These Animal Men. Or you call someone a sell-out and feel smug for a half second after pressing SEND before you remember that you write for The Sun and sell crap Australian beer for a living. Don't listen to yourself ever. You're an idiot. We all are.

I know I am. My New Year's Resolution of not letting anyone away with being rude has finally hit me. It's a really bad idea. I'm going to get killed to death.

Of course, it all has to do with a train. Trains are my nemesis. If something bad is going to happen, a train will be involved. Did you know that the "grassy knoll" leads to a train line? It really does. Trains are bastards. There I was at Paddington station shuffling my way off the train and down the platform when a man rushed towards me, whacked into me at full force and ran off. Because I made this decision to not let rude people off, I listened to my gut and did what any clear-headed, rational person would have done. I tutted a bit and just forgot about it.

Oh. Hang on. No. I didn't do that.

I ran after him.

It wasn't a big run, don't worry. If it was he would have got away and I would have died of stitch. He didn't get far and I caught him. I literally caught him. By his arm. And this is where it got uncomfortable.

He looked all shocked. My gut loved this. My gut was having a great time. Running after this man and grabbing him by the arm was definitely the right thing to do. The scared man asked what was wrong. "You just whacked right into me", I said, still holding his arm. "I'm really sorry", he said. "I'm going to miss my train".

"I know you are", I replied while grabbing his arm now with both of my hands."Because I'm not letting you go".

And that's when my gut stopped laughing and my head woke up. "What are you doing, Michael? A man has bumped into you, so now you've kidnapped him?" My head was very disappointed in me.

The man looked really scared. That made me really scared. Two scared men together on a train platform not knowing what to do. I let him go and he ran.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! What the hell is wrong with me? It's not like he purposely shoved me. Yes, it would have been nice if he had apologised and maybe he'll think twice about that in the future but is that really the point? Is HE the one that needs to think about things in the future? I GRABBED A MAN! I don't grab men. Men push me and I accept it. I DON'T GRAB MEN!

And has this made me change my mind about my New Year's Resolution? Sigh.... No. Of course not. Me and my stupid gut.

That whole thing lasted about 10 seconds but has taken me 4 days to come to terms with. By the way, if you want to join me in my NY Resolution, then please do and let me know how you've stood up against rudeness. First rule: DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER. Remember, I'm an idiot. Thank you.



Anonymous said...

I love you.

Yes, really, just a little bit, but yes, yes I do.

Meanwhile I presume your "Join Me" style cult / book / TV show / film plans are coming along nicely.... ?

Sue Denim said...

I can't believe you didn't prevent him leaving by demanding one of his shoes. What a wasted opportunity.