Something changed the day I saw my beloved dog eating the contents of a discarded nappy. I saw her happily eating something on the ground and assumed she had found some bread or something. As I got closer, I saw it was a full nappy and... I dunno. Jerk became slightly less magical that day. You'd think looking at the most disgusting and sad thing you'd ever seen would be bad but you'd be wrong. It was amazing. Amazing because that was it. I've seen the most disgusting and sad thing that I will ever see. I've got it over with. All the bad and sad things I see from now on won't quite seem so tragic when I remind myself of that sunny summer morning when my dog ate a whole nappy full of human faeces. And the great thing about seeing the most disgusting and sad thing that I will ever see is that if I'm looking at it, then it isn't me. Yes, yes, yes. I could look in a mirror and think that I was the most disgusting and sad thing that I will ever see but I wasn't looking in a mirror. I was looking at my dog. Eating shit.
I always think of that day when the weather starts to get nicer again. The sun comes out, I go out without a coat, put on my sunglasses and just think about that awful, awful day. I also think about my psoriasis. The sun helps my psoriasis clear up. Also, because I like wearing t-shirts in the sunshine, I want my psoriasis to clear up quickly to stop people thinking I've clearly just risen from the dead. So, at the first sign of good weather I get all my anti-psoriasis ointments and creams out and vow to apply them to my skin every day. This normally last for about a week. My psoriasis is pretty horrible to look at but it's nowhere near as bad as seeing your dog eat poo so I just give up after a while and learn to live with my lumps and flakes.
The thing is, after about 3 days of putting on lotions, the psoriasis gets incredibly dry and sort of flattens itself. You can then peel it off bit by bit. It's very, very addictive and disgusting. But that's not the fun part. The fun part comes on day 4. Because now my psoriasis isn't flakes anymore. It's dust. Even if I just lightly rub my psoriasis riddled elbow a little bit, it's like slamming two chalk dusters together. Just a massive white cloud of dust. Basically, it's the dust of my corpse.
And I love it. On day 4, I can't leave myself alone. Rubbing at my psoriasis and watching it float away like I was grating the very finest of fine Parmesan. Even if I'm in public, I'll give myself a quick rub and watch the floaty cloud of death appear.
Yesterday was day 4 and it was a beautiful day. I was meeting friends in Greenwich and, as it was so lovely, I decided to walk. Greenwich looked perfect in the sunshine and, while walking through the park there, it felt good to be alive. The sun in the sky, the birds singing merrily, the grass bright green and lush. All this ruined only by me walking around leaving a floating trail of my own dead skin behind me.
But it is SO ADDICTIVE. You must have picked a scab before? There's a real sense of I HAVE TO DO THIS about it so imagine that feeling multiplied by a thousand. It feels so good. I don't even need to pick at it. Just a quick rub and I leave death floating behind me. And I can do it in public. I can do it in a public park on a sunny day in front of everyone because, as horrible as it is, it is nothing compared to seeing the thing you love the most in the world eating shit and licking her lips. I have seen the most disgusting and sad thing that I will ever see and therefore it doesn't bother me in the slightest that I am leaving tiny flakes of my own dead skin to fly off my body and float away behind me as I walk.
Unless there was someone behind me. I wouldn't like that. I wouldn't like that at all. No, because if someone was behind me then they'd have a load of my dead skin landing on them. My dead skin on their clothes or hair or face. Why hadn't I thought of that before? I was too busy enjoying the freedom that the sight of a dog eating shit gave me to think about anyone else. I mean... If someone was behind me while I was basically flinging my dead skin over my shoulder... well, that would be revolting. So I looked round. And that's when I saw him.
A little boy. Looking disgusted and sad. Yet still licking his ice cream cone.
Jerk, you're off the hook.
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