On Wednesday when my Dad and I sat together in a hairdresser's, drinking white wine and watching Liverpool vs Bolton Wanderers, I couldn't help thinking that I was going about this all the wrong way. This was my 4th football match in 5 days and I still wasn't into it. But at least I knew why. I don't know anything about football. I mean I literally have no idea what they're doing at all at any stage. I don't know why they change sides in the second half, I don't know why they're all called different things (midfielder. Striker. Bowler) when they all clearly do exactly the same thing and I will never know why they walk on to the pitch holding the hand of a small boy. Is anyone ever going to say anything about that?
Not only do I know nothing about the game but neither does the company I keep: My Dad. We just sat there in that hairdresser's, drinking our wine and coming up with ways to make football nicer. We think that tackling would be a lot friendlier if the players had their first name on the front of their shirt. It would certainly be nicer if the players smiled more. And they should all bring a dip each. But Dad and I being great at making footsie nicer doesn't get us closer to knowing anything more about it. Luckily, help is at hand.
This week I'll be discussing footsie with footsie fans, I'll be going to a match with footsie fans and, most terrifying of all, I'll be getting a lesson in actually playing footsie. I should know a bit more about it after all that. To get me started though, former comedian Ian Stone has suggested I pick a team to support. That way, I'll get more out of the experience. If I invest an interest in a team that I actually want to win, then there's more of a reason to keep watching. Great. That's good advice and I can do that easily. I live in Lewisham so it seems only right to support them.
Well, Lewisham have let me down already, just like your team should do. They let me down by not existing so I've decided to go for one of the nearest two clubs: Crystal Palace or Charlton Athletic. But I've also decided that the choice should be completely up to them. Whichever team donates the most money to my Comic Relief campaign, then I will become their loyal supporter. I mean I will be a brilliant supporter. They will not regret having me on board. So, am I a Palace fan or a Charlton supporter? The choice is theirs.
And this is where I need your help. So far, neither team has tried wooing me by donating a single penny to the appeal. Why not write to their Facebook pages or their Twitter accounts letting them know they have a lifelong fan waiting for their interest. I'm not just going to support some team at random. They have to WANT me. So let's let them know. Let's let them know a lot that I am here and I am ready to support them. For a fee.
Go on, everyone. Let's see which team are Legge men. Drop them a line. Now.
Crystal Palace on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/officialcpfc?fref=ts and on Twitter: https://twitter.com/CPFC
Charlton Athletic on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/OfficialCAFC?fref=ts and on Twitter: https://twitter.com/CAFCofficial
And here's my donation page: http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/michaellegge
Thanks, guys. You are my favourite team.