Monday, 14 May 2012


Do you embarrass yourself easily? I don't. It's almost impossible to embarrass me because my entire life has been one cack-handed catastrophe after another. I'm so constantly embarrassing that being embarrassed just doesn't register with me. In the same way that a half of lager will have no effect on a committed alcoholic, it takes more than a simple trousers-falling-down-in-front-of-a-primary-school to make me go red in the face. I wake up every morning and from that second onwards its a shambolic cascade of twattery until bedtime again. If I was to compile the last few days into one day it would read like this: A man asking me for directions to the hospital while pissing up against railings, a woman in Sainsbury's held my hand because she thought I was her 5 year old son, someone thought I was Dave Gorman, a teenager called me a wanker because I was wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a hedgehog on it, someone else thought I was Dave Gorman, I talked myself into actually physically following a complete stranger and reporting his movements on Twitter as part of Follow Friday (that made me late to meet friends in Greenwich because I followed the complete stranger and he got on a bus to Catford. I admit it. That was my fault), an old woman in the park called me Paddy Arsebandit, several more people thought I was Dave Gorman, I died on my arse on stage at the Comedy Cafe and I went to a book launch party looking like this:

So, you see, if it's always this awful then you've really got to put the effort in to get the red in my cheeks. I think it's safe to say that you will probably never see me looking embarrassed. But that's not to say I'm NEVER embarrassed. The thing is, I'm just more likely to be embarrassed when I'm alone. That's actually when it's most shameful. At least if I fall down a flight of concrete steps and break my neck I know that I'll have entertained some people who saw me fall but when you're on your own...well, your own basic patheticness is highlighted. You're stupid, awkward and completely alone. So very, very alone.

I felt completely alone just a couple of weeks ago. I was on the toilet and using my phone to do emails, texts and tweets. That's right, when I do my business I also like to do my admin too. About 10 minutes after toilet-time I decide to have a quick look at Twitter to see if anyone had RT'd my hilarious tweets about whatever celebrity death had happened that day but I couldn't find my phone. It's probably in the bathroom. No, hadn't left it there. I must have left it upstairs. No, not there either. That's weird. I checked my pockets again and the bathroom again and upstairs again. It was nowhere to be seen. That's OK. I'm very popular and someone from the entertainment business is bound to ring me soon and when it rings I'll know where it is. But just in case, I'll check my pockets again and the bathroom again and upstairs again. No, it's definitely not in any of those places. I checked the kitchen cupboards and the fridge because putting my phone in those places sounds like something I would do. Nope. Oh, well. I've got things to do and my phone will turn up sooner or later. Mickey Bigtime from Bigtime Television was probably getting his personal assistant to call me right at that minute and when he does my phone will hollar and I'll find it. Until then, I have some boxes to move from the upstairs hall and I have to get something from the attic.

It took me five minutes to move the boxes and other stuff from the upstairs hall. That's five minutes. Plus the ten minutes between toilet-time and wanting to check Twitter. Plus, I'd say, eight minutes trying to find my phone. That's twenty-three whole minutes. Plus an extra minute for me to get the ladder for the attic. It's twenty-four minutes since I left the toilet and my admin behind. Twenty-four minutes have passed and now I'm halfway up a ladder and that's when my phone rings. My phone rings and it vibrates.

It was in my underpants.

How the hell does anyone live for twenty-four minutes of their life without noticing there's a telephone in their pants? I know phones are small these days but they're not that small. It was right there, pressing itself against my testicles and I didn't notice. And how the hell did it get in there? I don't put phones in pants. That's just not me. But I must have. I must have put my phone in my pants and then pulled my pants up with a telephone in them and just got on with my day. Like an idiot would. An idiot who thought it was totally normally to keep a phone in your pants and a TV remote in your sock and your car-keys in your anus. I am that idiot. And there I was. Halfway up a ladder listening to my pants ring and feeling my testicles vibrating. I was embarrassed and alone and halfway up a ladder. There's no way that I could put my hand in my pants and confidently take the phonecall-of-a-lifetime from Mickey Bigtime. When opportunity rings I don't want to be halfway up a ladder with my hand in my pants.

So I didn't take the call. I actually just stood there, on the ladder, and got redder in the face with each ring. The more my testicles got vibrated the more incompetent I felt. Plus it felt nice. What if it was my mum ringing? I'd have felt awful.

If you like being embarrassed as much as I do or just want to point and laugh at my many embarrassing moments then why not go to Michael Legge's Private Hell on the 3rd June with guests Richard Herring, Catie Wilkins and Dab & Tench or on the 1st July with Nick Helm and Bridget Christie? Shows start at 3pm at The Phoenix, Cavendish Square, London (nearest tube Oxford Circus) and it costs an unbelievable £5.

Or you can get more Legge embarrassment at the Edinburgh Fringe. I'm very proud and happy to say that my show, Michael Legge: What a Shame, is on nearly every day of the fringe at the fantastic Stand Comedy Club. Here's info:

If you're too lazy to read my blog or are in fact blind then why not subscribe to Blogging For The Blind at or look up Michael Legge on iTunes and subscribe there for free also. Thanks.This blog is also available on Kindle but I don't recommend you get that. It's bollocks.


@mmmikewilkins said...

Brilliant. Made me laugh out loud. LOL (Lots of Love)

Michael Legge said...

Thanks, mmmmike!

Man in Black 666 said...

Thank god for that, not just me then.