Last night I paid money to Southwest Trains to go on a 7 hour train journey that went nowhere. For almost 5 hours I was stuck on the one train, just sitting beside some bushes near Woking, and I missed my gig in Aldershot with Ivan Brackenbury. God, listen to me. Always seeing the positive. But, just for once, I don't really want to be all positive and cheery like I always, always am. Spending 7 hours on a train just to drain my iPhone battery and the end up where I started having gone nowhere is not fun and not what I wanted to do. So why did I do it? I don't know. I don't know how it happened because "I don't know" is the only reply I ever got from every Southwest Train employee. Just a dead face with rainy graveyard eyes saying "I don't know". In fact, thats basically the only reply you ever get from staff at any train station. "I don't know". "I don't know". I don't know".
I'm always complaining about trains and you must think that being stuck on one filled with sweaty, noisy commuters would be my worst nightmare. You probably think that that would be the thing I hate most about trains. But you're wrong. Even a train filled with drunk aggressives screaming nothing at all down their phone, or the unaware eating hot flesh and making me sick or the tasteless morons forcing their musicless music into our happy comas, all of that isn't the worst thing about trains. Those things are finding love at a party compared to the worst thing about trains. The worst thing about trains is that poster, the one at every train station, the one cowardly, admitting-they-can't-do-their-jobs-right poster. That cowardly poster that says "Don't abuse our staff".
Why? Why can't we abuse your staff? We've paid money and we're not going anywhere so why can't we abuse them? Why can't we laugh at their hair and their name badges? Why? Why can't we abuse your staff? They wear clip on ties. I demand my right to abuse anyone over the age of 12 who wears a clip on tie. A shameful, pathetic clip on tie. Look how shameful and pathetic YOUR staff are. They can't even hang themselves with their own ties. They're pathetic so why can't I abuse them? Why? Tell me. Why can't I give them a little push? I'd really like to give them a little push. Just a shove. But I'm not allowed. Why? I've paid money and YOU won't take me anywhere and I need to shove YOUR staff. Why am I not allowed? Why can't I slap them? Look at them. They won't feel it. They died many, many years ago. They won't feel it so let me just reach over and slap them in their face. Why did YOU put such thick glass between me and YOUR member of staff? Why? I want to slap them. Why am I not allowed to abuse YOUR staff? You want passengers to be happy when they commute, don't you? You want us to feel that we've got our money's worth on our journey, surely? Then let us abuse YOUR staff. Let us kick them. Kick them and kick them and kick them. Why won't you let us? Why can't I abuse YOUR staff? Why can't I punch them? I want to punch them. It's the only thing that I actually crave in this life. I don't need money or fame or love or peace or warmth or air. All I need is to lift my fist and crash it down hard into the grey corpse that YOU have employed. Again and again. Why can't I? Why can't I lift a brick and hammer it into their heads? Why? Just half a brick even? I want to lift half a brick and smash, smash, smash, SMASH and it feels so good. Why won't YOU let me? Why can't I lift half a brick and thump their eyes into the back of their heads and laugh for the first time in years and actually see some good in this world? Why can't I laugh at YOUR staff when I've smashed their eyes with a brick and I urinate in the holes? Why? Why won't you let me murder and urinate in the holes of YOUR staff? Tell me? Why? Why can't I? WHY?
I'll tell you why I can't kill and urinate into the holes of staff of Southwest trains. The answer is, very simply, "I don't know".
And that, to me, should be the only time that any member of train staff should ever, ever say "I don't know". Why can't I abuse you? "I don't know".
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