Monday, 11 April 2011

Basket Case.

I was only just talking about how lovely everything is and how delightfully happy I am. Obviously, the change in the weather makes most people a lot cheerier and, although I look like a ghost's ghost, I really love the sunshine so I certainly carry a tip-top bent. That's how good my mood is. I'd never have said anything as twatty as I certainly carry a tip-top bent but since the sun's come out you will indubitably hear me declare that extraordinary affirmation oft afresh.

Yes, the sun certainly turns me into a completely different kind of cunt. Everything just seems to make me cheery. I just bought Guitar Hero and find it impossible to play but (chuckle) isn't that part of the fun of it all? I had to go to collect my free dry cleaning and (tee hee) there isn't a trace of Michelle from Richmond on it. I shall miss her. Yesterday I was asked if I wouldn't mind helping with the gardening and not only did I say YES but I also actually did some gardening! WHY? Because I thought it might be fun. The sun's rays have positived up my brain and now I think every fucking little thing is great and fun and convivial. I can't even get angry about the IKEA advert. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!??

Look, it's not like I have a problem with the people in the advert, I certainly don't. They are three incredibly fine and and talented, not to mention hard working, comedians and one of Idiots of Ants but it definitely shows that all people involved in any form of advertising just haven't got a fucking clue. I get it, of course I do. Why get Michael McIntyre or Alan Carr or The Krankees in to plug IKEA's unquestionably shit furniture when all we need is comedy itself? Comedy is HUGE right now, way bigger than the household names that amuse and upset us at primetime Saturday evenings so it makes sense to use hard working, talented, working comedians and one of Idiots of Ants to perform stand up in their ad. It's just...well doing stand up in front of, what is obviously, 12 people is hard enough without also having to do some tidying up at the same time. Still, there are some good points raised in the ad: men or women either are or are not messier than men or women. And thank God IKEA had the forsight and imagination to completely forget gay couples or single people completely. I mean what would the bloody gays know about furniture? And single people who live alone are too hideous for TV so they can fuck off.

See? I'm just not that angry about that ad and I know I should be. It's the sunshine! It's ruined everything. Maybe that's what happened to Chief Idiot at the Guardian, Brian Logan. Even he had nothing to say about the IKEA advert but decided to get paid for not having an opinion anyway and The Guardian decided to print his nothing story too. A slow week for make-up tips, eh, Guardian?

And that has been happening for a week. Sunshine and happiness. Los Quattros Cvnts was excellent last Wednesday even though we had our very first walk-out. To be honest, I'm very proud. She complained that the show was "The most disgusting thing" she's ever seen and demanded her money back. Who would have thought that a show called Los Quattros Cvnts could somehow be offensive to some people? We really should put a warning on the poster or something. But our audience on Wednesday were just fantastic and I thank them for coming down. With all this joy, I was so looking forward to strolling in the park this morning.

And that's when the anger returned.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE! What is wrong with people? We have so little nice weather in this country but you will do your best to ruin it completely. I'm a dog owner who has a responsibility to look after my dog, you're a cunt who decides to throw chicken bones anywhere you fucking feel like because Hey! the sun's out and we should do all our unhealthy eating outside. The park was full of dog owners calling their dogs back from hunting out chicken bones today. Then we have to tell our dogs off for finding the chicken bone that YOU left there. I don't really want to punish my dog. Can't I just punch a picnicker in the face instead? I'd feel so much better. Then I saw 12 empty beer cans.

That was my clue, you see. I spoke to the park keeper about how they look after the park on a sunday. Is there anyone here to stop people throwing shit everywhere? Oh, God, no. We just come along on a Monday or a Tuesday or a Wednesday or whenever and just clean it up. Eventually. You see, Michael, it's the young people. The young people come down here with their pop music and their fizzy drinks and their sew-on patches and their magazines and their long hair (can't tell if they're a boy or a girl some of them) and they just mess the place up. FUCK. OFF. Take a fucking look around. The beer cans are lying on the grass beside paper plates, empty dip containers and plastic forks. Young people have drugs, the internet and constant fucking to keep them busy. This is NOT the work of young people. THIS. IS. A. PICNIC!

No young person would ever go on a picnic. I mean a child, yes, but a young person? No fucking way. How would they fit in all their filming every single thing they do then sticking it on YouTube? It's only grown adults who have given up on life that have fucking picnics. Next time your arse friend says "Ooh, it's lovely out and we were thinking of having a picnic in the park. Oh, do come" don't forget to just tell them to grow the fuck up. Hungry? Go to a restaurant. Better still, stay at home. You are not welcome in the park. Dog owners hate you, people just walking in the park hate you and your fucking frisbee and, Jesus Christ, even wasps hate you. Wasps have brains the size of two grains of sand but even they're clever enough to know that you shouldn't be doing this.

If you do find yourself guilted into going to a picnic in the park with your mentally stunted friends who have more potato salad than dignity then here's a fun game you can play to while away the hours. Instead of praying for rain why not google any crimes that have happened in the park and then read out the grusome details while pointing at the area that they happened. The cheese strings will be tupperwared away in minutes.

The thing is, I probably wouldn't be so grumpy about this if it wasn't for the fact that my local park has been getting a complete overhaul for the last 8 months. It's really looking fantastic and will be beautiful when it's finished. But...what's the point, eh? Why are they even bothering? They're making the river more scenic with more trees and benches round the river bank. Why? So we can get a better view of trolleys in the river and see blue platic bags floating by in a more picturesque setting. There are new pathways and bridges so we can see more fried chicken boxes near, but not actually in, bins and read further of how much a slag Kiera is. A new gazebo is being erected, I assume, as an alternative to using that bothersome public lavatory. Why would they go to all this effort when people just don't care? I saw the film Source Code on Saturday afternoon and the baddie in it hates the human race so much that he designs a bomb to destroy everything so that "we live amongst the rubble" just like we deserve. How crestfallen I was when Jake Gyllenhall stopped him before he got the chance. Still, the film's worth seeing only because Russell Peters gets killed every 8 minutes. I left the park fuming today.

And as I did I thought I saw a man drop litter on the ground and leave it there. I immediately snapped. "Can you pick that up, please?"

The man looked at me like I had two heads. I don't have too heads. Just one massive red one.

"Sorry?", he said.

"Can you pick that up?"

"Pick what up?"

"The rubbish you just threw on the ground".

"I didn't".

"Yes, you did", I smugly argued. "I just saw you".

Erm...but I looked around and couldn't see any trace of rubbish near him. Oh, Lordy. I was so angry that I just wanted an argument. My brain had taken in so much picnic trash that it became spiking and started seeing things that weren't there. I had turned round to a complete stranger and started a fight for no reason whatsoever.

Phew. I'm back.

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1 comment:

Bob said...

A friend recently got sick of litter and rude people. I am always too scared of having my punchable face punched.