Sunday, 6 February 2011

Pocket Billiards On The Radio.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. There are a lot of jobs that I have wanted but almost none of them will I ever be qualified to do. Film director, vet, Time Lord. I've dreamt of doing these jobs since I was a child but I would be the worst possible candidate to fill any of these posts despite me having a very long scarf. The film would make Michael Bay look good, the animals would die and every episode in my era would be Delta And The Bannermen. But there is a job that I always thought I'd love to do and, who knows, maybe I'd be good at it. Being a DJ/radio presenter just seems like a dream job to me. You play records and entertain yourself for a few hours while having a laugh. What a way to make a living. In a way, it sounds easy. Too good to be true. And that's exactly how it is. It's too good to be true. I should know because yesterday I was given the privilege of hosting a three hour 6 Music show with Andrew Collins and the second we went on air... NOT A MINUTE BEFORE OR A MINUTE AFTER... the SECOND we went on air I tried to get comfy in my seat and in doing so I sat on myself.

I don't know how many three hour radio shows you've co-hosted while trying to nurse your aching balls but I do know that it is stressful, upsetting and fucking agonising. Every 20 seconds or so I was lifting myself off my seat to adjust. It made no difference because there is no comfy position for balls that have just been sat on. You can rest them gently in a pool of calamine lotion on a bed of silk clouds but they'll still be shouting at you because you sat on them, the very thing you don't do to your own balls.

What I found baffling about shifting in my seat and rearranging by battered blobs every 20 seconds was that none of the three people in the studio batted an eye lid. I mean I'm reading out listener's texts, telling stories of when I used to pretend that I knew Jim Kerr and answering listener's questions about The Young Ones while red-faced and squirming yet these people said NOTHING.

OF COURSE THEY SAID NOTHING. They are professionals. Broadcasters are always sitting on their balls, these people see it every day, it means nothing to them. They've worked with some of the most popular ball-sitters in radio entertainment, so seeing me simply doing what any other broadcaster working at the BBC does shouldn't interest them at all. I'm paid to do a job so get in the studio, sit down and then shuffle around in your seat for a few hours. That's why so many shitty DJs these days stand up to present their shows. Some people just don't have what it takes to do the job properly. Seated, cheery voiced and sweating with pain.

That said, Andrew Collins never squirmed or adjusted himself once. Is he ball-less? He's been broadcasting for quite a while now, do testicles acquire calluses after years of spinning tunes to the nation?

I had a lovely time sitting in for Richard Herring on his and Andrew's fine show yesterday, despite the tears. I was made to feel very welcome by everyone there. I didn't even mind the website calling me Michael Legg or my BBC pass saying Micheal Legg or being referred to three times by Jo Good as Richard Legg (I'm assuming she dropped the "e" when saying my "name"). It was a great fun show.

You can listen to it, and try to spot the times I'm in the most pain, on iPlayer for the next week:

That was my first blog in over two weeks. I'm just not that inspired at the moment so it was nice to have a bit of fun at 6 Music to put me in a good mood to write. I just haven't wanted to blog because everything is the same. I'm standing up against rudeness still (are you?), my foot is continuing to be big and the comedy world is now too depressing to write about. Episodes is a TV series that never should have been made , David fucking Walliams is in Doctor Who and I know some people in Fast and Loose so I shouldn't laugh at it. That said, I have a few stories in my head that should be blogs so I should dish up a few more this week.

Thanks to Andrew for yesterday, thanks to Martin and Danielle and everyone who came to see Gutted on Monday (that was fun) and huge thanks to everyone who came to see Los Quattros Cvnts on Wednesday. You are all lovely.


@alnapp said...

how professional, can you imaging the fuss Mr H would have made?

Daniel said...

Good work sneaking 'Batman-On-The-Wii' onto the show!

garymiddleton said...

tch! And I thought someone had played that wonderful tune by Stackridge (yes "Pocket Billiards") on the radio!