Saturday, 23 October 2010

Don't Give Me a 'Break.

Well, the Tories certainly seem to have settled in now, haven't they? I have to say, I think they're very brave. It must be so difficult to decide that the only way forward financially is to cut benefits for people who are either sick or disabled. Then to actually go through with that must need real resolve. They either have the goodwill of the country in mind with the iron stomach to match or, and I'm just throwing this out there, they are pure undiluted evil. But fuck the disabled, me and all my friends are much more worried about the BBC. 16% of the licence fee that we must pay by law is now going to be taken from the BBC and given to "other" Government supported projects. So much for an independent BBC. Now, if this meant that the BBC had to sever most of BBC4 and Graham Norton's head, that would be fine but it'll probably mean more cheap shit like Hammers Under The House, Ash In The Attic and Bargain Cunt which are all exactly the same anyway or even worse the next series of Coast will have to be studio based.

I don't really worry about the BBC. That 16% could easily be made up for by not making all those exactly the same daytime TV programmes. Yes, they're cheap to make but they're even cheaper to not make. The BBC doesn't need Daytime TV. No-one needs daytime TV. Which brings me on to my real worry: ITV.

If you watch ITV then you must try your very, very best to understand that you are a massive fucking tool. You won't fully get it, of course, but you must try. There is nothing of any value that that broadcaster has to offer and it is so incredibly proud of it. I fucked up royally yesterday and watched Daybreak, a car crash where the two deceased victims, Chiles & Bleakley, look at their watches and speed through the swamps of banality until cheque time. I would urge you to watch it but that's what gets ITV through a lot of their output. "Ha ha! That looks shit. I must watch it" still gets a rating and ITV done does fink it did done good. Luckily, I'm a hypocrite and I really do need you to watch Daybreak. It is just so vast and empty and you try to stay with it but by concentrating on it you're cutting off anything getting to the brain. It's the closest thing you can get to drowning on your own sofa. And what underlines the banality even more is their Friday round up of the week from 4 Poofs and a Piano. Is there anything more cryingly dull and embarrassing than these ghosts of The King's Singers? See if you can get through any of this:

And it's not just Daybreak. ITV fills it's entire schedule with duffery. Lorraine, Daybreak's Torchwood, was full of "soap goss" (the most poisonous two words in the English language) and a fat man dressed as dirty ice-cream giving us important fashion advice such as hats are nice and shoes go on feet. Do I really need to mention The Jeremy Kyle Show, This Morning, Loose Cunting Women, Dickinson's Real Deal, The Alan Titchmarsh Show? ITV really is a mix of light chat and the end of days.

Plus if you can't see the emptiness of The X-Factor for yourself then your soul has packed up and left you. Either that or you and your soul are a pair of bastards that get off laughing at the mentally ill.

And ITV itself knows it. Go to the "Classic TV Shows" section of their website. Is The Prisoner on there? Fuck no. It's Jack Osbourne: Adrenaline Junkie, Vinnie Jones' Toughest Cops and Piers Morgan on Sandbanks. That's what the channel itself considers classic. Trinity is on there!

ITV have done maybe the odd period drama that was OK. Plus Cracker was good. Rising Damp, I suppose. Tiswas, I loved. But that's a long time ago. I won't mention Coronation Street because I just can't fathom it. I know it has it's moments but you have to understand: I watched Daybreak. I watched fucking DAYBREAK and I might never feel human again. Oh, ITV, when did you last have the pleasure of smelling a flower, watching a sunset, eating a well-prepared meal?

That's a quote from a BBC TV programme. Go on, Mitch Benn, stop fucking about and write a song for the channel that needs our support most. The BBC will make it through. ITV has lost it's way. Pity poor ITV.

Mind you, if it wasn't for all these shit programmes we would never have the excellent TV Burp. Which is on ITV.

Hmmm. Might need to rethink a few things.


Manic Expressive said...

My parents religiously record and watch Coronation Street. Just had to share that for some bizarre reason.

Pixies23 said...

Regarding your point about "Prisoner Cell block H". Fucking loved that show. B was the one we always wanted to be, but you know everyone loved Lizzie. Life was never the same when she was "rescued" from the prison by her son and off she went to travel the world. Apparently she even went to London. In the words of Lizzie, "bugger me gently".

Calum Bennett said...

Wow, that clip. I made it about forty seconds in before my testicles retreated into my kidneys.

Jane said...

I think Ken Loach made a similar point at the London Film Festival - the main gist being that TV is the enemy of creativity...although you seemed to have been able to encapsulate the full level of despair caused by bad television simply with the 2 words 'Bargain Cunt'...Thank you for your eloquence as always you make me smile.

Anonymous said...

Insipid cunts

hiles is a fat monotone lump & Bleakley is a horse faced slag who would drop her knickers for anyone