The Olympics and Paralympics are over. Thank the fuck fuck. I've been pretty decent about you over the last six weeks but now it's my turn to talk. All you've spouted since the end of July has been about how inspired you are and what an inspiration the whole event has been and how we as a nation have inspired the world with our inspiring inspiration and our inspiration to inpire inspiring inspirotwats. Well, I've got a question that needs answering: what's wrong with being uninspired?
I love being uninspired. It's brilliant. Putting the flaming torch of dreams upside down in a bucket of water means that I can lie on my arse all day watching telly, scratching my ball and drinking the finest wine £4 will get you. I've taken the dog for walks, been to the pub a few times, seen some films, read some books and generally had a lovely time all thanks to a complete lack of motivation. What have you been doing? Oh, you've been inspired, have you? So, you've spent six weeks sitting on your arse watching telly all day, scratching your ball and drinking cheap booze while occasionally shouting "Come on, Team GB"? DO YOU KNOW WHAT INSPIRED MEANS? You're no different to me so please stop saying how inspired you fucking are.
Everywhere you go now it's all fucking inspiration. "Be the best that you can be". I am being the best that I can be. See this ridiculous heap of bad clothes and white, white flesh? That's ME. That's the best that I can offer. Stop assuming that I can do better. I can't. And has it ever crossed your alert, sharp, physically fit mind that I don't want to? Every advert that you see on TV, every song on the radio, every t-shirt that you pass on the street is basically a reminder that I'm shit. I don't need reminding. I'm actually happy being shit. I know that ruins your miserable optimism but it's a fact. This country used to be proud of it's pessimism. We would slouch together as a nation and smile at our many failures and lack of abilities. Am I the only one who has kept with tradition? In my day you could leave your front door open because no one could be bothered to burgle and there wasn't a motivated face in the street. Not like now. Once we heard a load of bloody foreigners were coming over we decided we had to change. Well, it sickens me. Seen the latest Levi's advert? It's insane: "You're going to be great...you'll find the cure...You're a king...You're the next leader of the world...This is a pair of Levi's". Now, I agree with the last bit but Jesus Christ that is a pair of jeans that expects way too much of me. I don't know how to drive a fucking car. How the hell does this pair of jeans expect me to be great? It's not going to happen, mate. "I'm gonna win", sing Muse in their awful song Survival. "I won't give in because I choose to thrive". Good for you, fella, but that has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I gave in because I choose to snooze.
These people just haven't thought of me once. I met Richard Whitehead on Sunday. He won the men's 200m race at the Paralympics and is one of the most normal and down-to-earth, friendly people you could wish to meet. He's a gold medal winning runner despite not having legs and why does he do this? Because he wanted to push himself to the limit and, now that he's got people's attention, he wants to inspire people to better themselves, not just in sport but in all areas of life. He ran a marathon without prosethetic legs as a symbol to others that if they focus then they can achieve. The reason he does what he does is so that other people will be motivated to do well themselves. What a bastard. I mean, he fucking met me. He could clearly see what sort of person I am and yet he still went on about just wanting to help and inspire others. HE DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGISE TO ME. If I go out running now and have a heart attack then that is Richard Whitehead's fault. If I die there will be blood on his hands. What a horrible, manipulative, ice cold dick he really is. I know what he's trying to do. I know what you're all trying to do. Well, it won't work. Your inspiration has no effect on me. I'm made of stronger stuff, you'll see. None of your speeches and songs and ad campaigns will get to me. And unless Nike's new campaign is "Nike: Do Fuck All", I won't be buying the t-shirt.
I went to the Paralympics and it was fantastic. I saw the wheelchair fencing finals and the men were very sporting and gentlemanly and dull while the women behaved like their opponents had stolen their baby. It was brilliant. The only bad thing about being at the paralymics was absolutely everything except for the athletes. Everyone in the crowd (except me) was an arsehole. If painting your face and screaming is your way of showing pride on your country then clearly your country has driven you insane. And don't get me started on the price of beer. I actually got suckered in, JUST FOR A MINUTE, with the whole "inspiration of the Olympics" bullshit and when I had to pay £4.50 for a plastic cup of warm lager my inspiration slammed the door and ran up to it's room to listen to Morrissey. I also watched the opening of the Paralympics on TV because....well, I guess I was inspired. It was awful. I mean calling the team of athletes from Great Britain and Northern Ireland "Team GB" is one thing but why have the fucking British military hoisting the flag at the ceremony? Jesus, Northern Ireland just isn't welcome with you guys, is it? Also, it's the fucking Paralympics. I hate to point out the obvious but our brave boys might just have made some of the foreign competitors so maybe have someone else fly the flag? The whole world loves Doctor Who. Get Colin Baker to do it, NOT THE ARMY. Then yesterday I went to see the film Dredd. I'm trying not to be lazy at the moment (God, I hope that doesn't inspire you) so I walked from Lewisham into the centre of London. The great thing was that I was out strolling and not taking a train. Well, it was great until I got to the Strand and saw the Olympic parade. Roads were closed off and thousands of pricks crowded the streets. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I mean there were thousands of them. And they'd all been given free flags. And they waved them because they wanted to show Team GB what an inspiration it had been. That's right, Team GB had inspired thousands of people to stand in the street and wave. Look at our Union Jacks!!! We're all waving Union Jacks!! Well, it's a Union Jack on one side and a Samsung ad on the other but we're so inspired by Team GB that it makes us proud to be the tool of a major electronics company from Korea.
I ended up having to walk back to Embankment, walking up the steps of the bridge to try to get into the back of Charing Cross station so that I could use the subway there to get out at St Martin-In-The-Fields. But no. There was a policeman on guard and he said there was no way he could let me through. I mean, there clearly was a way but he decided that he wasn't going to let me. I could understand if there was a huge crowd trying to get through but there wasn't. It was just me. He explained that he couldn't let anyone through until the Olympic parade was over and I said "But I don't give a fuck about the Olympics".
Isn't that fair? I don't like the Olympics, I don't want to support Team GB and I didn't want the Olympics happening in London anyway so surely I should be given a pass that says "DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS" that I could flash anytime I wanted to cross a road and the police would let me through. But no. He just said "Don't swear at me, Sir". I explained that I didn't swear at him, I swore with him. "Is that illegal?, I asked. I realised I was pushing my luck and ended up walking away and getting the tube to Leicester Square. All I wanted to do was avoid taking the train and try to keep myself fit but I wasn't allowed to because our inspiring Olympic team said I couldn't. Typical.
London was apparently amazing during August. I missed it because I was in Edinburgh but lots of people told me that the atmosphere here was wonderful. People went around smiling, being friendly and chatting with strangers. That sounds horrific and I'm glad I missed it. There is practically nothing good about sport. The worst thing about it is that it's mandatory. It takes over TV, pubs and even streets. There is no other hobby that does that. The athletes should be applauded, of course, and I genuinely did get a buzz from meeting Richard Whitehead and hearing of the amazing things he's done. But look at the rest of it. Awful. And when I saw thousands of moronic sports fans waving their Samsung adverts I realised the difference between them and the people they admire. Sports fans inspire groups to be as utterly thick as they can be, to be shameful and to disrupt other people's lives in the process. Athletes inspire individuals to be the best versions of themselves. I like athletes.
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