A Cunt On a Train.

Last night's preview of King of Everything was great fun. I really enjoyed it. Although it's far from perfect, the new bits we tried out last night all seemed to work. Some re-writes and tightening a few things up and we'll be done. The good news is that our show is well over an hour long, the bad news is that we're definitely dropping one of my favourite parts of the show. Fuck. That happened last year with The Clock Hour and it's crap. But I'm not that down about it. Johnny and I are very happy about what we've got and very excited about what we'll do with it next. We had a really lovely crowd at The Funny Side last night and no-one could have ruined my good mood last night. But, of course, someone tried.

We took the train home. Already, that's a bad move. Trains have idiots in them and I know that so I only got what I totally expected. Muki, Johnny and I got on together and, as I wanted us all to sit together, I thought I'd do the decent thing and sit in the vacant seat next to a stranger while they had the adjacent double seat together. Sadly, the guy next to the spare seat was Captain Cunt from HMS Wanker. He had one of his legs up on the spare seat so I asked him if he could move his leg so that I could sit down. He said no. I tried again.

"Can I sit here?", I said.

"No", he replied while texting his only friend in the entire world who is also, by the way, a prick.

"I'm sitting here", I said very firmly.

"No, you're not".

"Move".

He moved. That's that then. It was unpleasant but it was now over. It was also pointless because by this time Johnny had taken the seat behind me and not the one next to Muki. So much for manners. I thought I'd stay in this seat anyway because I thought it might have annoyed the horrible man. It did.

He started elbowing me. Obviously on purpose. I let him off with it the first time but after the second time I asked him if everything was OK. He replied with "What?"

By now, I was very bored with this prick. I told him to stop elbowing me and his only reply was "I didn't ask you to sit next to me". I very much hate this man. I patiently argued that I knew he hadn't asked me but I am sitting here now so he can stop elbowing me and I glared right at him. It was my best Paddington stare. Muki clocked what was going on and wisely asked me to sit next to her. I moved seat. I felt bad because a cunt like this should NEVER be allowed to get away with that. Fuck.

The train hadn't even started moving and I was already furious. Then Captain Cunt got on his phone and loudly shouted to his only friend in the entire world that he was getting off at London Bridge. That suited me. Only two stops and the prick would get off and maybe, just maybe, be murdered.

Then a black guy got on the train and asked Captain Cunt if he could sit next to him. The Captain moved his leg and said "Yeah". This was very interesting and I think we all know why. He wanted everyone to know that he was a cunt but he didn't want anyone to think he was a racist cunt. That is cunt progress, I suppose.

Then his phone rang. It goes without saying that his ringtone was audible AIDS screaming at us all. It was his only friend in the world again. The Captain reminded his only friend that he was getting off at London Bridge. Definitely. The train started moving. Thank fuck.

Something beautiful happened to The Captain after that phonecall. He fell asleep. He slept all the way to Waterloo and carried on when we got to London Bridge, his stop. He was still on the train sleeping when we got off at Lewisham. Hope he likes Dartford because that's where he was going.

Cunt: 0, Legge: 1.

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