Takes The Pip.

Last week I stayed in a flat with a ceiling on the floor and this week I'm looking back at that flat with great fondness. The place I'm staying in at Bristol is a construction site. Lovely. Blokes stomping around during the day nailing things and plastering things and generally pouring shit all over luxury's lap. But it does have wi-fi. But the wi-fi doesn't work. Still, it has a power shower. A power shower with chronic asthma and very brown phlegm. To be fair, it has a huge plasma screen TV. It gets ITV, nearly. All in all, a great excuse to get up early and spend the day outdoors.

I went to the zoo yesterday. It was fantastic. And I went book shopping, that was great too. I walked around the Clifton area of Bristol looking at all the beautiful architecture. Basically, I had a lovely day out, something, as a comedian away for the weekend, I never do. Normally, we jolly mirth makers waste our day eating shit food, wanking, going to see the worst film imaginable at the cinema, wanking, crying, wanking and wanking. But yesterday was different and it was made all the nicer by not having a mobile phone. If I can offer you, dear reader, any advice then please leave your phone in a taxi immediately; you won't regret it.

Of course, yesterday wasn't all sunshine and smiles. I fucked up pretty early on by walking into the Apple Shop. I fucking hate Apple with a murdery, blowy-uppy vengeance. People who use Apple computers are generally the world's biggest pricks but they're completely outdone by the megapricks that work in Apple Shops. Firstly, they greet you; the fucking cunts. I don't want to be greeted. I'm not American and if you want me to have a nice day then you can start by not existing. Then they force fun on to you. They shove fun right down your fucking throat. "Hey!", they puke "Just do whatever you want here. Educate yourself on all of our funware". The fucking, fucking, smug, fucking pricks. Microsoft isn't like that. They don't educate anyone on anything close to funware. You can't figure our how to use Vista? WELL, FUCK YOU. And I respect that attitude far more than the happy-clappy, near religious cult of Apple. All I want is an iPod Touch not a fucking friend. As I left, one of their joyous slaves said that he was looking forward to seeing me again. I have a good mind to go back. That would show the cunt.

Last night's gig was great. Everyone did well and I got pretty drunk afterwards. A bit too drunk to be honest because I feel very ropey. Really ropey. I am rope. I honestly feel like I could throw up everything I've ever eaten at any moment. Maybe I'll go to the Apple Shop.