Little & Wise.

I met James Corden once. It was at 8 Out Of 10 Cats and, although he came across as quite rude, he was OK in the show. Far better than I thought he could be. At least he made an effort, I thought. He’s probably OK.

James Corden is not OK, is he? I just saw Horne & Corden, the new sketch show on dire telly’s natural home, BBC3. Touch Me I’m Karen Taylor, The Kevin Bishop Show and, fuck it why not, Love Thy Neighbour have all had their shitty, shitty turd crowns taken from them with this new pile of splinters from the bottom of Satan’s very own barrel. I’ve never seen Gavin & Stacey and I never will. I know I won’t like it, but I also know a lot of people who love it. Not all of these people are fuckheads. It MUST have something but that something is not for me. Horne & Corden on the other hand should be just what I’m after. Edgy sketch comedy with a fresh new look! Orrrrrrrr… something Ant & Dec’s Saturday Takeaway wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot cunt skewer.

It’s mind-numbingly uninventive. Did you know that fat people are over-weight? HA HA HA HA! Horne & Coden do! Can you imagine what a homosexual would be like out in war torn Basra? HA HA HA HA! Horne & Corden can! It’s soooooooooo funny. Just look at the mincing, fruity little affront to the eyes of God skipping away in fear of bombs instead of fucking Girls Aloud, drinking 10 pints of lager and spitting Jade Goody’s cancer into the face of Rose West like a REAL MAN. It’s just so embarrassing. What are they trying to say? I mean, apart from “Have you noticed that one of us is fat?”, what is it that they’re trying to get across?

The whole skip of eye-rape starts with the pair of cunts walking down a flight of stairs and actually high-fiving the studio audience. The audience aren’t SITTING DOWN like fucking morons who watch One Foot in the Grave, Grandad, they’re standing up like the youngsters who watch TOTP2 or Top Gear.

Interestingly enough, the audience are also behind a steel fence thus combating all attempts to help the two fuckers out with a couple of much-needed head bullets. Now, all that is fine but they ruin everything by talking and moving around. If only they stayed still and decomposed I’d be hooked to the series.

The first sketch involves James Corden being fat. As do all the others. The first one also has a supporting appearance from Nick Mohammed, who in every way, shape and form towers over the two stars. At one point Nick has to give the cheeky pair of lovable cunts a dirty look. Nick is an incredible character actor but I’m not sure he was acting there. It was just what was happening anyway. I hope he hasn’t smashed his entire skull in with a hammer due to being in any way linked to this. That hammer was not meant for you, Nick, it’s for them. What I’m simply saying is NICK MOHAMMED SHOULD KILL HORNE & CORDEN WITH A BIG HAMMER, NO-ONE WOULD GIVE A SHIT.

The real problem with this show is, obviously, James Corden. My God, is he an embarrassing, fame-addicted, fat, self-obsessed, fat, belly-pointing bag of tedium. I know it sounds bad me picking on him because he’s fat but if he’d just occasionally shut up about it maybe I wouldn’t (I probably would). He HILARIOUSLY did an impression of Ricky Gervais in one sketch. Does the cunt not think for a fucking second that we haven’t noticed how much of Ricky Gervais’ mannerisms he’s nicked anyway? At least Matt Horne has the common decency to be completely invisible.

This will get a second series. Them proving that they can make a shit Shaun of the Dead will lead to more films. That fat cunt’s ego will expand even if his repertoire decreases, and I very much suspect it will. Ripping of Ricky Gervais, screaming and pointing at your gut surely has it’s limits. That won’t stop them because the public love them. The same people who vote for awful politicians, who sell-out Coldplay’s stadiums and take Richard & Judy’s book club seriously.

WE. ARE. FUCKED.

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