Bond Film.

Some people are never going to get on. I understand that. You're never going to see Winston Churchill and Adolf Hitler in a sauna together drinking champagne and talking about doing business, are you? And you'll never see Superman and Lex Luthor having a laugh in Wetherspoon's together while watching the sport. And you'll certainly never see Brendan O'Carroll and me kissing violently while bare chested and wearing only cut-off denim shorts, smearing our lipstick everywhere and rubbing our backs, UNLESS it was in your mind and the only way that would ever happen is if someone brought it up and no one will ever bring that up because once you have that image in your head you can never get it out and you'd probably be thinking about it RIGHT NOW over and over again. So, yes, some folk are just destined to never be friends but some people could easily put their differences aside if only they took the time to see how alike they really.

I've seen this single mum pick up her son from school a few times. She's started seeing a guy called Dave and clearly this new relationship is working well and she's really happy. So happy in fact that she asked Dave to move in with her but, of course, not before running it past her son first. Like I say, I've only seen these people a few times but I get the feeling she thought her son would be happy with another guy in the house, maybe not a father figure but a mate. Someone to do guy stuff with. But when she told her son about her intentions he just said "OK" and his face fell sad. Yes, he wanted his mum to be happy but he hated the idea of Dave. Who the hell is this Dave anyway? How dare he barge into my house? What can mum possibly see in him?

Here's the twist, dear reader, despite the age gap Dave and the boy are SO SIMILAR.

I'd say the boy is about 10 and he loves music. Not current stuff, he's into music from the '80's, the '70's and maybe even the '60's. The great thing is that when Dave moved in he brought his collection of vinyl with him. Dave has loads of albums and the boy likes nothing more than looking through them but when Dave told the boy he could borrow them anytime he liked, the boy just said "nah, you're alright" and left the room. There was a golden opportunity for those two to bond but the boy would rather be alone than to admit him and Dave could actually  friends. Despite them sharing so much, the boy could only see the stranger in the house.

The boy couldn't start the day without a big stretch and a refreshing shower. Dave was the same. In fact they'd meet every morning in the hallway outside the bathroom at the same time, always with Dave kindly offering the bathroom to the boy first. And always the boy responded with "Nah, you're alright" before immediately walking away. Dave got this with every attempt to befriend the boy. "Nah, you're alright", "Nah, you're alright", "Nah, you're alright" and always just walking away.

The boy liked tinkering with his bike, something Dave loved as a child. But when he offered to help, the boy said "Nah, you're alright" and walked away. The boy liked going into town at a particular time of day, a time that Dave was also fond of. But when he offered to give the boy a lift, the boy said "Nah, you're alright" and walked away through the rain. How long could this rejection go on for? Well...

The boy's mother was going out for the night and leaving her son and boyfriend at home together, alone. Dave searched the kitchen for potential dinner ingredients but soon made the decision that the search was hopeless. "Right", said Dave. "Let's go somewhere awful". The boy overheard Dave's mumble and he got so excited. The boy loved somewhere awful but he had to play it cool. He couldn't show Dave that he was finally starting to open up to him. "Alright", said the boy.

Dave was baffled. How could the boy have taken his clearly sarcastic statement to mean that he really did want to go to somewhere awful? No one likes somewhere awful. BUT...maybe this is what it will take. Maybe if Dave gives in and takes the boy to somewhere awful they can finally connect. Dave and the boy put on their coats, left the house and soon  they were in a place full of garish colours and the smell in there would have fell a horse, which is just what the owner of somewhere awful wanted. The gents sat together for the very first time and they ate. The boy loved somewhere awful. It was his favourite place in the whole world and Dave had brought him here. Maybe Dave's not so bad, the boy thought and he smiled for the first time since the man moved into his house. He smiled. I saw it happen. Then he took the pickle from his burger and, instead of throwing it on the table, he offered it to Dave. Dave said "Nah, you're alright" and I did what anyone would have done.

I stood up in the cinema and shouted "HA! YOU'VE BEEN CUNTED OFF! SUCK IT, YOU LITTLE PRETENTIOUS VINYL LOVING, HOW-DOES-A-BIKE-WORK, WALKING IN THE RAIN PRICK. I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE A SINGLE SOLITARY HAPPY MOMENT IN YOUR ENTIRE CUNTY WORTHLESS LIFE, YOU SELFISH, STUCK UP LITTLE WANKER. YOU'VE BEEN CUNTED OFF!"

Then I watched Argo and had a really lovely day.

Don't you dare forget about this tomorrow: www.michaellegge.co.uk