Monday, 29 March 2010

Ambition Makes You Look Pretty Ugly II.

I admit it. I've arrived late to the party. But to be fair, it's definitely a party that I haven't been invited to. It's been out about four years, it finished it's third series in January and I have just recently got round to watching it. It's Balls Of Steel and it is an insult.

I feel slightly bad about hating this programme as two of the people involved are very talented. I'm just not sure that their talents are being highlighted in the right way with this steaming pile of crying shit. There just isn't a redeemable thing about it. For those lucky people who have never seen it, Balls Of Steel is a prank show where grown adults leave dignity in a torn Aldi bag and embarrass only themselves in the name of untertainment. A series of arseholes act as characters designed to make us all a bit stupider as they find themselves hosting a never-ending series of hate-filled stunts that don't work yet somehow end up in the final edit. Hilarious characters such as Militant Black Guy (He is a man who gets angry anytime anyone says the word "Black"), Big Gay Following (A large man who is gay and follows people), Knob Jockey (A homosexual rapist), Scummy Mummy (A cunt who drags a real baby down to her level) and many, many less. They're all as funny as each other. Fucking dreadful.

Watching it has just upset me and yet I can't seem to stop watching it. Surely nothing this lacking in anything of any value could make it to a third series. It is a programme so venomous and nasty that there is no way you could possibly enjoy it unless you're the kind of person who keeps looking up Saddam Hussain's hanging on YouTube and laughing. At least Saddam Hussain's hanging worked. NOTHING in this show works. Big Gay Following constantly asks men if they fancy a bum and every one that I have seen simply says no and walks away. No confrontation, no comedy, no point. Yet in the final edit it goes. The guiltiest of these is also the worst person in the entire world: Olivia Lee.

Olivia Lee is the female version of Keith Lemon, a title I'm sure she'd be very proud of and that gives you an idea of what a fucking moron she is. I just don't see the point in her at all.

The Word, the classic TV series of the early 90's, used to have a segment called I'D Do Anything To Be On TV. Olivia Lee has used this as a career plan.

Even though she describes herself as glamorous on her website, Olivia looks exactly like what she is: a hen night in a car wreck. She dresses like a skank, acts like a drunk man and, if you look closely in her eyes, will do ANYTHING to be on TV. Now, I'm not going to say anything as libellous as Olivia Lee has fucked her way to the top. No. All I'm saying is that she WOULD fuck her way to the top. Whether she has or not is not for us to speculate. But she would. You can tell. She hosts the Loaded Awards, her publicity shot shows her pissing into a urinal and her new TV series is called Dirty Sexy Funny. This is just a guess but I reckon there are very few times in Olivia Lee's life when she is not on her knees in a carpark begging to become the target of various TV executives bukkake. Of course, I'm joking. That's the great thing about Olivia's contribution to Balls Of Steel, we know she can take a joke. And a cock, I imagine. Loads and loads of them. All connected to TV executives all helping her career by soaking every last bit of her in cum. Just more and more cum saturating Olivia Lee and getting her closer and closer to her precious, precious fame. That's what she looks like she'd want, that's all I'm saying.

Of course, when Olivia's not being a carpark bukkake whore covered head to toe in the cum of men that hate her, I imagine, she's recording her brilliant bits for Balls of Steel. This is what she does: She goes up to someone famous (say, Ron Atkinson) and asks for an interview for Channel 4. When they agree she gives them a one finger salute right up at their face.

No. I don't get it either. The famous person normally looks at her with great pity and walks away. Not funny in the slightest because the "prank" has failed but it ends up in the show anyway. And why wouldn't it? Then we get to see Olivia's arse, don't we, lads? We see her TV Executive bruised arse and her congealed cum tits (you can't get ALL of that off) so that's alright, isn't it, lads? That's what she's here for, eh, lads?

When a time machine is finally invented I will step into it with my Olivia Lee clip downloaded on my iPhone and will go back to 1913 and just before Emily Davison throws herself in front of the King's horse I will show her the clip. Emily will just go back to her kitchen and cry. Better that than wearing a big arrow to your cunt, shouting out of a white limo and singing "HERE COME THE GIRLS!"

I'M JOKING! HA HA HA! That was great! All that stuff about Olivia Lee covered in cum as a career move. As if! It was a PRANK I played on you, that's all. What do mean it didn't work and isn't funny? Fuck you, it's staying in.


The Igloo Keeper... said...

"Olivia Lee is very, very funny" - The Times

Part Time Infidel said...

"The Times is very, very funny" - All Sentient Beings.

Anonymous said...

amanda holden is worse - the real cum faced slut of our time

Anonymous said...

Fucked her way to the top? To the lower reaches of the middle maybe, but no higher.

Anonymous said...

Olivia Lee is a disgusting, unfunny moron. Her whole act consists of holding a dildo in front of celebrities and just performing vile acts towards celebrities.

The way she speaks, her cheap veneers and her idiotic laddish act is so passe. They should do a sketch where people spit on her until the day she days, hopefully very slowly and painfully.